The Daily Dave

I'll tumblr for you, tumblr for you, tumbl for you ...

2012-01-05T01:00:00.000-05:00

Hello all. The Daily Dave is moving to tumblr. Follow me at simanoff.tumblr.com.

The Four Questions is allowed to put Baby in a corner

2011-08-20T05:45:00.000-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?
A. Dave is wearing a green plaid short-sleeve button-down shirt and a pair of khaki cargo shorts. He is also wearing his Crocs, which were recently inducted into the Guinness Book of World Records as the World's Squeakiest Footwear.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?
A. Dave feels alert, productive, and upbeat.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?
A. Dave wishes he knew why twice this week he has awoken bright eyed, bushy tailed, eager to hit the grindstone, and full of clichés. He recently stopped taking the prescription drugs Procrastinateitoll and Idlex. Dave doesn't recall why he was prescribed these things in the first place.

Q. Has Dave seen "Dirty Dancing"?
A. Dave has never seen "Dirty Dancing." This means that he knows he should not put Baby in a corner, although he doesn't know why he doesn't do this.

For the first time in his life, Dave now feels inclined to watch "Dirty Dancing." Here are his reasons:

He enjoyed "Crazy, Stupid, Love," which includes a significant "Dirty Dancing" reference in a critical scene.
Tablet, a Jewish blog, recently discussed the Jewish influences in "Dirty Dancing."
Dave worries that if he doesn't see "Dirty Dancing" now, he won't be able to complain sufficiently when the entirely unnecessary remake hits theaters.

The Four Questions calls for an immediate end to anarchy in the UK

2011-08-09T07:33:00.001-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing a burgundy polo shirt and khaki pants. He's also wearing his iPod nano, which has been pulling double duty as a pedometer recently.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is in a cautiously upbeat mood.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Dave is catching up with two of his favorite people, Miss Cherizon and Michael "Stop Your Lies" Fechter, over the next few days. He's also starting graduate school at the end of the month. So he has lots of good things to look forward to.

Q. What did Dave think of the new Smurfs movie?

A. Dave did not smurf the new Smurfs movie. But if Dave had smurfed the Smurfs movie, he would have smurfed up his smurfcorn all over the floor in disgust.

The Four Questions have long legs and burgundy lips, and are dancin' down on the Sunset Strip

2011-06-30T10:47:00.000-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing shorts and a dark blue polo shirt, as it's a work-from-home day. Which, of course, means it's a work-from-Starbucks day.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is in an circumspective mood.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Dave's holiday weekend begins tonight, but he has a lot of work to complete -- and a lot of travel to conduct -- before the fun begins. So he's trying to stay focused.

Q. What does Dave want for his birthday?

A. Dave wants world peace. If world peace is not available at this time, Dave would like Tiger Beat magazine.

It's one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and the Four Questions

2011-06-29T07:16:00.001-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing a professional-grade dress shirt as he sips on his industrial-grade iced coffee:

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is in an industrious mood.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Dave is very busy at work, and trying to get a lot of things finished before leaving for vacation. He can't tell you what he's working on, though. He's sworn to secrecy.

Q. Has Dave created any interesting tables that summarize right wing hypocrisy recently?

A. In fact, Dave put together the following table yesterday:

The Four Questions doesn't have a problem with focus -- oh, look, kittens!

2011-06-27T10:57:00.000-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave invites you to peer through his computer screen and take a look:

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is in a way-to-go-New-York-and-my-nephew-just-turned-four-and-we're-heading-out-for-a-great-holiday-weekend sort of mood. But he's keeping it all inside. As you can clearly see in the photo.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Are you asking what factors are involved in a way-to-go-New-York-and-my-nephew-just-turned-four-and-we're-heading-out-for-a-great-holiday-weekend mood? It's kind of easy to figure out.

Q. What did Dave think of "Cars 2"?

A. Dave finds it a little disconcerting that the cars, which are both sentient beings and modes of transportation, will rely on other sentient modes of travel to get around. What does it mean when Mater is inside an airplane? Does the airplane feel like it has been violated? And what about trains? Is that the Cars universe equivalent of "The Human Centipede"? None of these important issues were addressed in the G-rated film.

The Four Questions are robots in disguise

2011-06-24T19:31:00.001-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Uncle Dave is hanging out with his two nephews. One person is wearing a blue short-sleeve shirt and a pair of tan shorts. Another person is wearing a blue New Zealand Rugby tee shirt and plaid shorts. The third person is wearing an adorable pair of teddy bear jammies, and sucking on a blue pacifier. Can you guess what Dave is wearing? That's right! The pajamas!

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave thinks, therefore he is ... being sued by the Descartes estate.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Dave is getting ready for Ryland's birthday party. There will be cake!

Q. What is Dave buying Ryland for his birthday?

A. Dave got Ryland a cappuccino maker and a drum set. Dave wants to be sure he never has to buy any more presents for his nephews again.

Tongue-tied, short of breath, don't even try -- You're not naive, you must be strong for the Four Questions

2011-06-23T07:41:00.000-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Inspired by the meat dress that Lady GaGa wore to some event last year (was it the MTV Video Music Awards or the Annual Conference of the National Association of Junior Leagues?), David is wearing a three-piece suit made entirely out of pancakes. The outfit is mostly a sartorial success. Dave, however, wishes he had made the underpants out of syrup.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave wishes he were in a subjunctive mood.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Although Dave is a man, lives in an area best known for service and tourism industry, and prefers to avoid conflict or mediate difficult situations, he is very disappointed that no one has yet told him today that he's a "steeltown girl on a Friday night, looking for the fight of her life." He can only assume that this is because it is Thursday.

Q. Why doesn't Dave take things seriously?

A. Dave is taking things seriously.

The Here's the Four Questions, over ice, with a shot of espresso, two splenda, and soy milk

2011-06-22T07:22:00.000-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing his striped Rugby World Cup 2012 shirt. He purchased it last year in New Zealand, about a week after the Canterbury earthquake that miraculously killed no one and caused little damage. When he and Britt returned to the US after that trip, they said the aftershocks in Christchurch felt like standing on a boat in choppy water. They described the experience as cool and exciting. They were mortified six months later when one of those aftershocks killed hundreds of people and destroyed homes, businesses, landmarks, and infrastructure. Dave felt guilty that he had spoken so boastfully about the previous earthquake. He felt like who, six months ago, gone on and on about how he had just made sizable donations to a bright, energetic, young political candidate, and now realized that the candidate in question is Idi Amin.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave wants to be in an upbeat mood.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Dave woke up early this morning, and went to Starbucks, as he did yesterday. However, despite the plentiful supply of coffee, Dave doesn't feel fully awake. Dave blames Starbucks for playing the slow folksy coffeehouse music it usually plays at 7 or 8 p.m., instead of something with a bit more uptempo.

Q. What do Dave, Britt, and Douglas Adams have in common this year?

A. Britt and Dave celebrate their third anniversary this year. If you take the digits that make up the date of their anniversary, and multiply the positive integers, you get 42.

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. Four Questions time, qradruply so.

2011-06-21T06:10:00.001-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is sashaying down the runway in a French blue long-sleeve wrinkle-resistant classic Oxford cloth shirt with a button-down collar from L.L. Bean. This versatile dress shirt is also available in white, conventional blue, pink, and a shade of orange that L.L. Bean calls "sun." It sells for $34.50. Like generations of Simanoffs before him, Dave refuses to fasten the secondary, useless, auxiliary cuff buttons. They are stupid buttons and, anyway, people will enjoy a flash of Dave's sexy forearm skin. Completing Dave's ensemble: chinos, a brown belt, brown shoes, and a vintage 2008 security badge and work ID on a retractable belt clip.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is in an upbeat mood.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Dave woke up early this morning, and instead of staying in bed, he decided to come to Starbucks to get a jump on today's work. He feels vital and productive. Also, Dave is about one-fourth of the way through a venti iced Red Eye at Starbucks, which may be making him a bit more hummingbird-esque than usual.

Q. What is Dave reading?

A. Dave has started reading "Heart of Darkness." He vaguely recalls reading the Cliff's Notes in high school. Dave has just completed the first of the three sections. He thinks this Kurtz fellow sounds great. He can't wait to meet him.

On seeing Derek Jeter at Starbucks, and thinking about Michael

2011-03-04T08:07:00.003-05:00

Cross-posted on the Mike Simanoff Memorial Blog

Derek Jeter hangs out at my Starbucks.

It's not my Starbucks, of course. I don't own it. Derek Jeter probably thinks of it as his Starbucks too. But, just like me, he lives nearby and comes here from time to time. As he's the shortstop for the New York Yankees, and I am not, it is safe to assume that he lives in a bigger house in a better neighborhood than I do. But Starbucks is the great social equalizer of our time. Rich and poor, professional athlete and couch potato, Mac users and PC users — we all congregate at Starbucks.

This isn't a blog post about Starbucks, though. It's a blog post about Jeter and my brother, Michael, who died in 2006.

Michael liked many things. High on the list were the New York Yankees and fantasy baseball. He was known for his prowess with baseball statistics, and even maintained his own website discussing the finer points of analytics. What some people did with fastballs, Michael could do with Excel sheets.

Time has a way of stealing your memories. This doesn't happen violently: time is not a mugger, and you can't fight back against it. One day, something happens and you are shocked to realize that you've forgotten about some of the things — characteristics, events, times — pertaining to the people you love.

Seeing Jeter made me think about how much Michael loved baseball. It reminded me that Michael loved the numbers behind baseball, and that he would build new teams and play entire seasons using nothing but existing information.

Before I knew it, I was standing in front of Jeter. Here's what I think I said:

"I hate to bother you, as I know people must come up to you all the time and pester you. I just wanted to tell you my brother was a huge Yankees fan, and if he were here right now, he'd be staring at you but too shy to say hello. My brother was also a huge fantasy baseball fan. What you did made him very happy. When I saw you, it made me think about him when he was happy. So, thank you."

This probably came out as:

"Awww, gee, mister baseball guy. Hi. Ramble, ramble, ramble. Bye now."

Jeter was very gracious, and said thanks. And since this encounter, he hasn't filed any kind of legal document requiring me to stay a prescribed distance away from him, so I probably didn't say anything too awkward or stupid.

I'm grateful for the experience — not because I said hi to Jeter, but because it brought back memories of Michael.

Schmuck of the day

2011-03-04T07:31:00.000-05:00

Stopping at Starbucks to do a little writing before work, I encountered this car in the parking lot:

If you look and listen carefully, you'll notice the dogs trapped inside the car. The alarm would shut off after 15 seconds or so, and then the dogs jumping and barking inside the car would activate it again.

After I took this video, I turned around and walked toward Starbucks. Before I got in the door, I was asked, "Why'd you take a picture of my car for?" It was the owner, of course.

I wanted to say: "Because you're a schmuck who's inconsiderate to animals and humans. You've locked your dogs without any fresh air, and you're subjecting everyone around here to the melodious sound of your car alarm."

Instead, in my most aw-shucks-I-watch-arena-football-and-monster-truck-rallies accent, I said "the dogs kept setting off the alarm. It was funny."

Christchurch earthquake – where is the PwC office?

2011-02-27T07:23:00.000-05:00

Britt and I went to New Zealand in September. I took photos of every PwC office building I saw¹ — even posing, in true geek fashion, in front of the Dunedin office, as it's the southernmost PwC outpost in the world.²

On Friday, I sent the following message to my colleagues at work. The subject was "Christchurch earthquake – where is the PwC office?"

I'm sure everyone has seen the devastating pictures coming out of Christchurch by now. Christchurch is the largest city on New Zealand's South Island, and the PwC is one of the tallest buildings in the middle of the central business district. If you're standing in Cathedral Square and Christchurch Cathedral is directly in front of you, the office is a few blocks to your left.

When I took this photo a few months ago, I deliberately stood back so that I could get the PwC logo in the shot. The large sculpture, called Chalice, is in the foreground. The prominent building is Christchurch Cathedral. And the tallest building in the background is the PwC office. The old fashioned logo, with the intertwined P, W, and C, is in the black rectangle on the top. It's hard to make out, but it's there. To take this photo, I had to squish up against the door of a Starbucks. Yes, Starbucks is everywhere.

I've used my incredible Microsoft Paint skills indicate the building in the picture below. I've also circled the portion of Christchurch Cathedral that has collapsed. According to the last report I read, there are still people inside the cathedral that rescue crews cannot reach.

The earthquake is a tragedy. I was about to write "an unbelievable tragedy," but it's hardly unbelievable. The actual Christchurch earthquake hit in August — a few days after Britt and I arrived. No one was killed, and damage was minimal, even though the magnitude was larger. This earthquake was technically an aftershock. Britt and I felt lots of little aftershocks in Christchurch. They felt a little bit like being on a giant boat in calm seas. I really can't imagine what this aftershock felt like. Nor can I imagine what people in Christchurch are going through now.

Dave

P.S. If you would like to help out, visit the New Zealand Red Cross.

¹ This post partially explains why I photograph PwC buildings around the world.

²I have not confirmed that the Dunedin office is, indeed, the southernmost PwC office. It is entirely possible that we've set up a location in Antarctica to help penguins convert from local GAAP to IFRS.

I've had the time of my life, and I owe it all to the Four Questions

2011-02-08T08:48:00.000-05:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing a perfect replica of the Bob Mackie-designed dress Cher wore to the Oscars in 1988. There is nothing in Dave's firm's employee standards guide that explicitly prohibits this.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is 95 percent stressed out, but 5 percent of him feels that he's starting to get back in control of things.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. It has been a hard day's night, and Dave has been working like a dog. That doesn't make sense, does it.

Q. What does the world need now?

A. Dave originally thought that the world now needed love, sweet love. However, after much market research, Dave has concluded that the world needs more Justin Bieber music. Dave should have interviewer more people outside the female tween demographic.

There's no questions like Four Questions like no questions I know

2011-01-20T14:11:00.000-05:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing this:

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is in a productive mood.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Dave had a little bit of writer's block this morning, but he feels re-energized after having sushi for lunch and some caffeine.

Q. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

A.Dave asks if it is an African or European woodchuck.

The Four Questions doesn't jump to conclusions — it stands still, and the conclusions jump to it

2011-01-19T21:02:00.001-05:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing a T-shirt from the Hard Rock Cafe in Cardiff and grey shorts from the sale rack at Target.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is in a relaxed state.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Dave has been working hard all day, making progress on several projects and starting on two new pieces. He is now enjoying some time in front of the teevee, with the iPad in his lap.

Q. Where have all the cowboys gone?

A. Dave's extensive research shows that since 1974, 32 percent of cowboys moved to New York to take jobs in advertising sales, 23 percent have undergone gender assignment surgery and answer to the name Muffy, 56 percent have taken turns running the Chicago Mercantile Exchange, and the remaining 7 percent are responsible for double-checking all percentages on the Internet to make sure they total 100 percent.

The Four Questions are back in all their resplendent glory -- but for how long?

2011-01-17T15:31:00.000-05:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing a blue button-down shirt, a blue sleeveless sweater, and a pair of chinos.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is in a gloomy mood.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. It has been raining all day, and Dave has not seen the sun.

Q. Why has Dave not written a Four Questions for eight months and 13 days?

A. Why do you assume that Dave has not written a Four Questions since May 4, 2010? Perhaps Dave has written several Four Questions and just not shared them with you.

Don't ask, don't tell, but do yell at your television sets

2010-05-28T14:21:00.001-04:00

Scientists have provided no conclusion to the controversial and often contentious debate between nature and nurture. Therefore, it is impossible to determine whether it was during the nine months in my mother's womb, or the many years afterward in my parents' house, that I developed one of my most defining characteristics: My tendency to talk to inanimate objects.

Yes, I am one of Those People. The evidence clearly points to genetics, as I appear to have inherited this trait from my mother. My earliest childhood memories consist of my mother talking to other cars on the road, instructing them to move in certain directions or chiding them for being parked incorrectly. It took many years to realize that my mother was not actually addressing these objects; she was using irony to point out idiocy, stupidity, and foolishness. "So nice of you to take up two spots," was not a compliment for the Porsche straddling the line in the crowded lot behind Waitrose. It was my mother's way of expressing anger at someone who wasn't present. And it was healthier than taking that switchblade out of her purse and slashing the tires.

Today, I find myself talking most often to the television set. And I talk to television set most often when an ad for the military comes on. And, these days, the talk has turned from grumbling to full-on yelling.

In the past, military ads said pretty much the same thing: be all you can be and slay a dragon and make everyone proud and did we forget to mention the giant computer-generated dragon? These ads were irritating, because they did not mention that the military explicitly did not want certain people to be all they can be: gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender (GLBT) people. Under the ill-conceived Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT) policy, gay men and lesbians could serve in the military as long as they kept their mouths shut. "You need an asterisk," I'd shout at the teevee. "Tell people you're not an equal opportunity employer! Admit you kick service members out if they use the wrong pronoun to describe a date!"

In recent years, my shouting has become more brazen. I started yelling these things in movie theaters when military ads run. (Although I am just as likely to loudly question the National Guard ad that says the National Guard is older than the nation itself, and features a rock star and race car driver that have never served in the military.) I particularly like to shout "The few, the proud, the discriminatory," when the ridiculously cartoony Marines ad runs. Of course, I am something of a coward and will not open my mouth in the theater unless I am absolutely certain no one will know it's me doing the shouting.

Recently, military ads have changed. Instead of focusing on individual glory, they seem to promote skills training and career opportunities. In fact, one series of ads positions a branch of the military as an exclusive executive training school, showing recruits both in class and performing battlefield exercises. Another series of ads features former service members testifying about the experience and training they received in the military, which they wouldn't have received anywhere else.

This new breed of military ads inflames me more than the older ads. I yell at the teevee with unbridled rage. "My taxpayer dollars are funding that on-the-job training! Say that those career opportunities are limited if you are gay or lesbian!"

I will shout until I am red in the face, or until a less irritating ad begins. "Run an ad showing the thousands of people whose careers were cut short by DADT! Show us who is not getting those valuable job skills now because of they were hounded by a terrible policy and told the truth!"

I often use saltier language than this, by the way. My mother would wash my mouth out with soap if she heard me. She once washed my mouth out with liquid dishwashing soap because we were out of bar soap. So I do not want to admit the kinds of horrible filthy fucking things I yell at the teevee.

It appears that a repeal of DADT is in the cards, but success is far from certain. Congress took important steps toward repeal yesterday, but there are still plenty of representatives and senators would like to see the current policy stand — or even replaced with something more draconian.

Change is coming. It is inevitable. I hope it comes sooner than later, for the sake of our service members and all those who look to the military for the invaluable training, skills, and career opportunities to improve and define their lives.

And I hope change comes soon for my sake. While I shall never stop talking to the teevee, I'd rather root for military ads than against them. There are plenty of other things on teevee — and objects in the world — that need my critical attention right now. That is, after all, how I was raised. And it's in my nature. Right, mom?

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0

The Four Questions: produced on Earth, home planet of the pizza bagel

2010-05-04T08:34:00.002-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing his usual work uniform: Khaki pants, a polo shirt, and a sequined eyepatch.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave feels balanced today. He recognizes that feeling balanced is not necessarily imply safety, though. Being balanced could mean that one is flat on level terrain, or perched high atop a perilous peak needing only the slightest movement to fall. Despite this glass-half-full perspective, Dave appreciates being in a position of balance, in which life is neither too boring nor chaotic.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. The factors currently affecting Dave's mood can only be represented by a mathematical formula that includes the following variables:

Number of pitches I saw Wade Davis throw at Sunday's amazing Rays game
Number of slices of deep dish pizza I ate last night whilst catching up with our good friends Steve and Karen over dinner
Ratio of active projects to completed projects on my plate at work
Ability to think of quantifiable mood-measuring variables

Q. What does Dave think of that big oil spill in the Gulf?

A. Dave loves the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Fox News explained to Dave that oil spills are good for the environment, and that birds and fish love nothing more than a thick, lustrous coat of crude. Apparently, oil spills are like spa days for wildlife.

An ode to Chewbacca (to the tune of "I Had a Little Dreidel")

2010-03-18T13:02:00.002-04:00

I had a little Wookiee —
I made him out of fur.
I don't think he and Han
Know Vader is Luke's father.

Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant compared to the power of the Four Questions

2010-03-18T11:01:00.003-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing this: / Long-sleeve blue tee-shirt and slacks / Black belt, shoes, and socks.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave senses beauty / All around him; in tiny things. / Like light, love, or germs.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave's gentle spirit, / A tender lotus blossom / Opens at spring's touch.

Q. Why the hell is Dave writing haiku?

A. Like the white winged dove. / Singsong, sounds like she's singing. / Ooh, ooh, love haiku.

The Four Questions go bragh

2010-03-17T11:10:00.002-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing olive green pants, a green shirt, a blue sweatshirt, and a green jacket. He's not actually wearing the jacket right now, but it maches the green theme, so he thought he'd mention it.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is in a St. Patrick-ey mood.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave feels it's not easy being green.

Q. Does Dave have an interesting anecdote to tell about the "It's Not Easy Being Green" song?

A. When Dave was just a young lad growing up in the outskirts of London, "It's Not Easy Being Green" was identified not with a Muppet frog, but with Keith Harris and his neon green pal, Orville the Duck. Orville was about four feet tall and looked somewhat like a potato covered in green fur. He has a little orange beak and oversized, cartoonish eyes. He is a beloved childhood character in the UK. It is against the law to say Orville causes nightmares.

The Four Questions hangs its hat in Tennessee

2010-03-16T12:10:00.002-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing a burgundy polo shirt and a pair of khakis. The polo-shirt-and-khakis combination have become something of his work uniform.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is worried about getting pregnant.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave is surrounded by pregnant people and, according to the new educational standards in Texas, pregnancy is contagious. Like a common cold. Also, Jesus lived at the same time as the dinosaurs -- 2000 years ago. The dinosaurs should actually be called Jesus lizards. Thomas Jefferson isn't a signficant historical figure, even though he's on our money. Jefferson Davis makes the cut for the textbooks, though, even though he was featured on Confederate States of America money.

Q. So, does Dave want to be a teacher in Texas?

A. Yes. Dave is planning his syllabus now. It's called "On the Eighth Day, G-d created Reagan." It sums up the entire Texas educational standards in one course. The course lasts 20 seconds.

The disembodied voice that announces voices in this elevator seems a bit too aroused

2010-02-26T10:55:00.001-05:00

(362 KB)
Watch on posterous

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0

So, I ended up buying that new camera. How do the pictures look?

2009-11-29T10:16:00.001-05:00

Here are some of the pictures I took over the Thanksgiving break with my new Canon S90 camera.

See the full gallery on posterous

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0

Target has an entire aisle of Hanukkah goodies! Jews are not relegated to a sad, lonely endcap this holiday season!

2009-11-18T17:52:00.001-05:00

I don't understand what the trees are doing here, but this is definitely a welcome improvement.

See the full gallery on posterous

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

Over San Francisco

2009-11-18T16:40:00.001-05:00

This is an actual photo that I took. It has been tilt-shifted and tinted to make the city look like a model.

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

Hanukkah seems to come earlier every year. Or later. Or at the same time.

2009-11-17T23:00:00.001-05:00

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

I always wanted our home to be more like the back pocket of an airplane seat. And now it is.

2009-11-17T16:24:00.001-05:00

Britt and I are now receiving SkyMall catalogs in the mail. We have never ordered anything from SkyMall. We will display these catalogs with pride around our home.

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

Dear Honda

2009-11-16T18:03:00.001-05:00

The buttwarmer option is quite unnecessary here in Florida. When I accidentally engage toggle the switch, it makes me feel not quite right.

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

Happy birthday, Britt!

2009-11-16T16:31:00.001-05:00

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

Pictures from Britt's surprise birthday party (part 2)

2009-11-16T16:28:00.001-05:00

See the full gallery on posterous

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

Pictures from Britt's surprise birthday party (part 2)

2009-11-16T16:23:00.001-05:00

See the full gallery on posterous

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

Pictures from Britt's surprise birthday party (part 1)

2009-11-16T16:22:00.002-05:00

See the full gallery on posterous

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

Watch out, Beck and Limbaugh!

2009-09-27T19:11:00.001-04:00

This is the most literate right-wing argument I have seen against Obama to date:

I believe this man has a future as a right-wing broadcaster. I am not fully certain what he says, though, as I had to stop watching this video after about 90 seconds to prevent my brain cells and soul from dying.

P.S. Ann Coulter, I believe we have located your soulmate!

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

I know some retailers won't match their competitor's prices, but this is ridiculous

2009-09-26T14:00:00.001-04:00

I wanted to buy a book at a large bookstore earlier today. The sales price was $25.99, but a quick check on my phone showed that it was available online for $18.19. I asked the sales clerk if the store would match the online price. I showed him the website and made sure to show him who the online retailer was. He said no.

The store? Borders. The website? Borders.com.

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

With apologies to Cliff Richards (and insects)

2009-09-25T08:57:00.001-04:00

Once in every lifetime comes a love like this
Oh, I need you. You need me. Let's screw on that windscreen.

We're the lovebugs. Darling, we're the lovebugs.
And lovebugs shouldn't be afraid --
To live, love, while the flame is young
'Cause we may not be the lovebugs very long.

(Splat.)

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

Best. Productivity blog. Ever.

2009-09-24T11:07:00.002-04:00

I'd like to draw your attention to The Ultimate Productivity Blog:

http://productiveblog.tumblr.com/

And now we know what made HAL crazy -- this rendition of "Thus Spake Zarathustra"

2009-09-20T22:48:00.001-04:00

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

Folds, Hornby, and Johnston!

2009-09-16T21:46:00.001-04:00

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

Shopping at Cost Plus World Market

2009-09-12T12:38:00.001-04:00

See the full gallery on posterous

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

I am setting my TiVo now

2009-09-10T13:55:00.001-04:00

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

Won't you be my friend, Kristen Wiig?

2009-09-02T19:20:00.001-04:00

The Lawrence Welk clip is one of my favorites, but I hadn't seen the Björk bit until now.

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

Synecdoche is the figure of speech in which part of something represents the whole (e.g. asking for someone's "hand" in marriage). Oh, and watch this.

2009-09-02T18:47:00.001-04:00

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 on Posterous

This is where I think about when people sing about where the deer (but not the antelope) play. Blame my expatriate childhood.

2009-09-02T14:55:00.001-04:00

http://www.royalparks.org.uk/parks/richmond_park/

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

Waiting at CVS for my prescriptions to be filled

2009-09-02T10:56:00.001-04:00

See the full gallery on posterous

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

Untitled

2009-09-01T21:41:00.001-04:00

Posted via web from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

Another excuse to eat more ice cream

2009-08-31T18:42:00.001-04:00

Meanwhile, Vermont-based Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc. is marking the occasion in typically sweet fashion. They're renaming their "Chubby Hubby" flavor "Hubby Hubby" for the month.

via burlingtonfreepress.com

Posted via web from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

I wrote a song for you, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and it was called "Yellow."

2009-08-30T21:58:00.001-04:00

via youtube.com

Posted via web from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

I am noticing a trend at the bookstore

2009-08-30T21:18:00.001-04:00

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

MobileMe Gallery - Cousins weekend 2009

2009-08-30T20:09:00.005-04:00

via gallery.me.com

Click the image to start playback. Enjoy!

Posted via web from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

MobileMe Gallery - Ryland turns two

2009-08-30T20:09:00.003-04:00

via gallery.me.com

Posted via web from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

Some random iPhone photos

2009-08-30T20:09:00.001-04:00

See the full gallery on posterous

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

Perhaps the best episode of TV ever

2009-08-30T20:08:00.011-04:00

via hulu.com

Many of my problems in life stem from the fact that I think I'm a Tim, but I'm really a Daisy.

Posted via web from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

I don't think I'm in the target demographic for this bacon bra

2009-08-30T20:08:00.009-04:00

via gizmodo.com

As a gay Jew, I am unimpressed in any way by this treyf bustier. I am sure many of my goyim straight friends are salivating right now at the idea of a bra made entire out of bacon.

Posted via web from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

Best. Greeting card verbiage. Ever.

2009-08-30T20:08:00.007-04:00

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

Matt Hires at Vinyl Fever

2009-08-30T20:08:00.005-04:00

(1528 KB)
Watch on posterous

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

Matt Hires at Vinyl Fever

2009-08-30T20:08:00.003-04:00

(1528 KB)
Watch on posterous

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

Matt Hires singing

2009-08-30T20:08:00.001-04:00

(2472 KB)
Listen on posterous

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

Random photos from Sunday

2009-08-30T20:07:00.001-04:00

See the full gallery on posterous

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from The Daily Dave 3.0 shadow blog

I have noticed a trend in the bookstore

2009-08-30T19:51:00.002-04:00

I watch "The Simpsons" way too much

2009-07-26T20:27:00.001-04:00

A Simpsons Guest Star Quiz

Score: 100% (15 out of 15)

I'm quoted

2009-07-17T11:51:00.005-04:00

My post about the anti-GLBT infomercial that ran here in Tampa¹ is getting quite a bit of attention. Wayne Garcia quoted it extensively in his blog, The Political Whore. And Equality Florida has crossposted the entire item.²

¹ Can we come up with a catchy name for this controversy, please? I propose H8gate, which incorporates the number of the teevee station that ran the infomercial, the nature of the programming, and "-gate," which by law must be attached to the name of everything controversial after the Watergate scandal.
² On the Equality Florida blog I am identified as an former employee of the teevee station. In actuality, I worked for the newspaper, which shares the same parent company as the teevee station. The confusion is quite understandable, as the teevee station and newspaper operate out of the same building and are considered sister companies. I began to appear regularly on the teevee station in 2000 or 2001. Nonetheless, I consider myself a print reporter, not a teevee reporter.
³ There is no footnote 3. I just wanted to point out that I'm reading "Infinte Jest" right now, which should explain why I'm employing so many footnotes.

Quote of the day: Christopher Isherwood

2009-07-16T13:11:00.002-04:00

Britt and I watched "Chris & Don: A Love Story" on DVD last weekend¹, and the following words have stuck in my head for the past few days. They articulate plainly an important concept that I have felt for years but was unable to explain so fully, deeply, and concisely. Even though these words were written when I was a child, they take on special significance right now, when (a) the White House shows no intention of following up on its campaign promises, (b) my former employer displays its willingness to accept vitriolic anti-GLBT advertising, and (c) the military continues to deny brave Americans opportunities to serve their country.²

"As a homosexual, he [Christopher] had been wavering between embarrassment and defiance. He became embarrassed when he felt that he was making a selfish demand for his individual rights at a time when only group action mattered. He became defiant when he made the treatment of the homosexual a test by which every political party and government must be judged. His challenge to each one of them was: 'All right, we've heard your liberty speech. Does that include us or doesn't it?'"

— Christopher Isherwood, "Christopher and His Kind," 1974.

¹ Next up in our Netflix queue: Patton Oswalt's "No Reason to Complain," "Lars and the Real Girl," and the 1969 version of "The Italian Job."
² I have heard all the arguments about how Don't Ask Don't Tell is unfair, unpatriotic, and hurts our military readiness by removing skilled people from the armed forces. What's often overlooked is this: One of the nation's largest employers has a patently discriminatory employment policy.

I enjoy playing with my food

2009-07-15T22:32:00.000-04:00

One year (and 12 days ... but who's counting?)

2009-07-15T21:36:00.003-04:00

Britt and I celebrated our one-year anniversary recently. Here's a look back.

How did Britt and I commemorate our anniversary? We visited our mistresses in Argentina! Isn't that what all good family-loving Americans with strong moral centers do?

Must run now. We're planning to run for office, get elected, and then quit our jobs. It's the best way to show our commitment to America!

America's Favorite Toddler is the hit of the wedding party

2009-07-15T21:25:00.002-04:00

In my latest Ryland film, America's Favorite Toddler gets the rings most of the way down the aisle at Aunt Lindsey's wedding. Enjoy.

My former employer made an indefensible decision by running "Speechless," but I don't feel comfortable about protesting there this afternoon

2009-07-15T07:25:00.004-04:00

For the past week, I have been trying to decide whether to participate in the protest planned for this afternoon at my former employer.¹

MFE ran "Speechless: Silencing Christians," an hourlong homophobic infomercial on Saturday, June 27.² The program reinforces abhorrent and wholly untrue stereotypes about GLBT people. The gist, from what I have seen and read about the program, is this:

Homosexuality is a choice — and a sinful, wicked choice at that.
GLBT people represent an immediate threat to so-called normal children and families.
GLBT people are using force, intimidation, the courts, politics, and other unscrupulous means to silence their critics — specifically, the Christians.

MFE reportedly earned $35,000 for running this infomercial. According to Equality Florida's press release, the station's management "said they understand the show would be offensive to those who 'chose the homosexual lifestyle,' but 'not red flags' went up for them when they viewed it prior to airing."³

Freedom of speech is not the issue

Some people have shrugged and suggested that films such as "Speechless" are detestable, but will unfortunately receive airtime because we live in a country that embraces freedom of speech. Some cite the First Amendment.

The freedom of speech argument is a canard here, and the First Amendment is completely irrelevant to this conversation. The First Amendment doesn't apply because the government isn't restricting this group from expressing its message — in this case, the "Speechless" program.

The main issue here is standards. TV stations and newspapers should have policies and guidelines about what advertising they will accept. If a newspaper were asked to run an ad with sexually explicit images, they'd turn it down. If the KKK or a group of Holocaust deniers wanted to buy an hour of time for an infomercial to promote their views, they would be turned down.

The issue, put plainly, is this: MFE thought that the infomercial it ran was perfectly fine for its audience. It wasn't. It was indisputably full of lies, propaganda, and hate. Other stations across the country have turned it down. The infomercial was clearly objectionable.

To continue my point: This isn't a First Amendment issue or freedom of speech issue because the group that makes "Speechless" can get its message out in other ways. It can try to buy time on other TV stations. It can start it own TV station, if it likes. It can print its own literature. On the other hand, there was no one forcing MFE to run this infomercial. The decisionmakers at the station watched the program, felt it was fine, and let it air. They apparently had no qualms about the content. They seemed to think that it's OK to let people use their station for hate speech as long as there's payment involved.

This is why the protests are directed at MFE, not at the group that made and distributes "Speechless." MFE should not have run the program.

A former employee's view

I worked for MFE from 1999 to 2008. During that time, I received mixed signals about the company's views on GLBT people, including its GLBT employees. My recollection is that gay men and lesbians were accepted in the newsrooms⁴, but that sensitivity about GLBT issues — in fact, all minority issues — declined exponentially as one progressed higher up the organization chart. This is a generalization, and there were some exceptions. At MFE's parent company in Richmond, Va., I sensed a similar inverse relationship between (a) the size of someone's paycheck and (b) their level of sophistication on GLBT issues and commitment to a diverse workforce.

I'd like to point out that these are my personal opinions: my own impressions and feelings, synthesized over nearly 10 years with MFE. I speak for no one else.

I was out long before I came to MFE, and this never appeared to cause any tension among my immediate coworkers.⁵ I got to attend the National Lesbian & Gay Journalists Association conventions on the company's dime — back when news organizations still had travel and training budgets, of course. I recall an ambitious diversity training program that included GLBT issues in the curriculum in the early 2000s.

However:

At the time I left the company, MFE did not include sexual orientation in its discrimination policy. When I asked about this, I was told that it wasn't necessary because MFE is based in Tampa, which has sexual orientation in its discrimination policy. This didn't seem like a good rationale to me, as it probably doesn't cover people working for MFE locations outside Tampa city limits, and it doesn't send a message of inclusion for MFE's GLBT employees.
In 2005, the year after Massachusetts became the first state in the US to adopt marriage equality, MFE mailed a letter to each employee stating that its health care plans would only cover opposite-sex spouses. I felt that MFE was trying to say that in matters of same-sex relationships, the company was so adamant about not recognizing partners that it would even trump state laws.
When I left MFE, the company still did not have benefits for same-sex partners. I can think of no other large media company that does not offer domestic partner benefits. When I would ask about this (every year, like clockwork, at the meetings to introduce the new health care and retirement plans) I would be told that the company was concerned about the cost of domestic partner benefits. I would point out that study after study shows that the costs are negligible, and the message it sends to GLBT employees and recruits is incredibly important.

I left MFE feeling mostly confused and frustrated about the company's approach to GLBT employees. I certainly felt valued by the people with whom I worked, but I also sensed that the big decisionmakers at the organization and its parent company did not fully understand the value that comes from building an inclusive, diverse workplace.

So, what will I be doing this afternoon?

After wrestling with thoughts for a few days, I have decided not to join the rally this afternoon at MFE. I think my presence might do some good: perhaps seeing a former employee might make some people at MFE realize that their decision to run "Speechless" wasn't just an insult to a nameless, faceless community, but had an impact on people they know. But I don't think that will happen.

It's clear to me that MFE make an indefensible decision to run "Speechless." I don't think the rally will actually help MFE understand what they did wrong and why so many people are offended, but perhaps bringing attention to the company will help lead to some kind of solution. I would like to see:

A public apology, from the head of MFE, during a weekday 11 p.m. news broadcast when viewership is high.
The money received from the "Speechless" infomercial donated to a group that helps gay youth. It's very important that MFE show that it not profit from a group that promotes hate.
MFE develop new standards and procedures for screening materials for infomercials, and make those standards known to the community.
MFE create a new sensitivity training course, and mandate that all of its employees take it.

I find the decision to run "Speechless" reprehensible but, in hindsight, not surprising. I haven't watched any programming on MFE since the broadcast of "Speechless," and won't until the company takes appropriate action on this issue. Still, I'd feel uncomfortable standing outside a company that signed my paychecks for most of a decade. Also, I'm friends with some people wo work for MFE. I respect and admire them. They had nothing to do with "Speechless" and I would feel awkward standing outside their office with a picket sign.

I'll feel guilty missing the rally, though. MFE needs to know that its actions aren't acceptable. I hope that today's protest leads to a dialog with the decisionmakers at MFE. Perhaps that's where I can best play a role.

¹ I'll call my former employer MFE from now on. I don't see any reason to actually name the company.
² This was the same day as St. Petersburg Pride. I don't know if the scheduling was deliberate, but I assume it was.
³ See the press release here. Also, I'd like to know if someone at MFE really used the phrase "chose the homosexual lifestyle." If so, who was it? This is the language of ignorance or bigotry, as homosexuality is neither a lifestyle nor a choice.
⁴ MFE has more than 1 newsroom.
⁵ I do recall one editor who treated me differently once he found out I was gay. Editor: "What does your wife do?" Me: "He is a professor." Editor: Long pause, followed by stunned expression of realization, followed by "ohhh."

A reenactment of the Jurassic Park River Adventure ride at Universal, courtesy of Dave and Britt

2009-07-05T21:04:00.003-04:00

My original idea involved cat socks made from Swiffer cloths

2009-06-22T17:29:00.004-04:00

I have invented this ingenious system which will allow Barb to lie back and relax while her cats clean her floors.

I think the cats should wear little Western outfits and steer the Roombas with tiny reins that they hold in their front paws.

The only thing that outweighs my creative genius? My artistic talent, of course.

Autobahn confessions

2009-06-04T07:15:00.003-04:00

What did Britt and I talk about as we drove through scenic Bavaria? The usual: bad German music, wedding songs, cars with built-in pretzel compartments. Enjoy!

Join Britt and I on a trip to scenic Rothenburg, Germany

2009-06-02T08:40:00.002-04:00

Here's a little movie I created on our recent trip to Germany:

The Rhineland's a fine land today!

2009-06-02T08:38:00.001-04:00

My photos from Germany are now online. Check them out here.

Happy anniversary, mom and dad

2009-06-01T07:47:00.000-04:00

I know that paper is the traditional gift for a first anniversary, and gold is the traditional gift for the 50th. And what does one get for the world's best parents for their 40th? I believe the traditional gift is digital video.

Happy anniversary, mom and dad!

Live long and puzzle

2009-05-12T07:50:00.003-04:00

Let's get one thing clear: I love the new Star Trek film. I absolutely loved it. I abso-fucking-lutely loved it. I loved it so much that I wish I could cram even more curse words into "absolutely" to describe it.

I dragged Britt to the movie theater twice last weekend to see it, and threatened to take him a third time. The only reason we didn't go three times is that I would have been embarrassed for Britt to tell people that I forced him to see the same movie three days in a row.

I have just three problems with the Star Trek film, and they're rooted in science:

First, could a supernova actually threaten an entire galaxy? I'm not an expert in this area, but I don't think supernovae could consume planets millions of light years away.

Second, how does a drill—even a high tech laser drill from the future—actually burrow a hole to the core of a planet? Keep in mind that a planet like Earth has a relatively thin solid crust, floating on top of a molten liquid substance. I assume that a planet like Vulcan would have a similar composition. How does one drill through liquid? Also, what is Nero's crew doing with all the debris that is displaced?

Third, how does Spock observe Vulcan from his vantage point on the frozen planet? (I think the planet's name in the film was Delta Vega, but it could have been a stand-in for Hoth in the Star Wars universe.) In the film, we are given the impression the the Enterprise is traveling far away from Vulcan's position when the events on Delta Vega occur, so I assume that the two planets are light years apart. However, Vulcan seems as large in the Delta Vega sky as the moon is in our sky. I think this was done to make a particular scene more dramatic, but it did make me pause and wonder what the heck was happening. If someone is making a science fiction film, the science shouldn't be sloppy.

My only other complaint with Star Trek is that I had to attempt to explain how the time-travel plot worked to my mother. I still don't think she gets it. I think director J.J. Abrams owes me some Excedrin and should call my mom.

Many people have said that I am the finest haiku writer of my generation. Here is some long-lost evidence.

2009-04-29T20:39:00.011-04:00

Nearly all of the haiku I wrote in 2002 and 2003 was lost at the end of 2003, when the original Daily Dave mysteriously disappeared somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. While we have lost all hope of ever reclaiming the original content that made up America's Favorite Blog Before Anybody Knew What A Blog Was, a team of forensic poets have been working since early 2004 to reconstruct all of the haiku.

After five years and nearly $5 billion, 99.8 percent of the haiku has been recovered and is ready to present to the public. These poems will illuminate the aesthetic and zeitgeist of an America that existed long ago—and provide fresh insight into our own time, values, and morals. Reposting these haiku to the Web might prove to be the most valuable contribution to literature in the information age.¹

On Tuesday, February 12, 2002, the very first Daily Dave post combined my two greatest loves, donuts and haiku:

And now, my first senryu for the Tally office:

Golden glazed donuts—
Treats for your heart and belly. 
They're from Krispy Kreme.

A second post later that day included another haiku:

Today is Florida Space Day in Tallahassee, and any organization or company with ties to NASA has set up a booth in the Capitol building. Here's a nice litle senryu to celebrate the occasion:

Astronaut squeeze toys, 
"Ground control to Major Tom"—
Free ballpoints for all!

Wednesday, February 13, 2002

Friday the 13th,
Unluckiest day of all.
Wednesday? No problem. 

So, what exactly is the difference between haiku and senryu? The way I understand it, both are Japanese poetry forms that follow the 5-7-5 syllable scheme, but haiku generally deal with nature and senryu can be about pretty much anything else. Therefore, if you're reading a poem about cherry blossom leaves, you're mostly likely looking at haiku. If the poem mentions dental floss, Derek Jeter or the Dow Jones Industrial Average, I'll bet you dollars to donuts that it's senryu.

Speaking of donuts, let me just state for the record that little powdered donuts are quite tasty. I've probably written a half dozen senryu about these torus-shaped slices of heaven at Simanoff.com. Sadly, all of these were written in the unenlightened days when I called all 5-7-5 poems haiku because I didn't know any better. I must thank Gregg Easterbrook and his Tuesday Morning Quarterback column at Slate.com for lifting me from the abyss and showing me the senryu light.

According to my former Japanese history professor, Mark Ravina, this is how you pronounce senryu:

It is actually tricky because the ryu is one syllable—not "ree-you" but something that would rhyme with "shoe." Then the final sound "u" is lengthened. So it rhymes with "shoooo." The sen rhymes with "pen." Hope that doesn't clarify anything—it's not like you're still paying tuition or something.

Of course, most of my linguistic crusades are short lived, and you should expect me to drop this one pretty quickly and revert back to using the word haiku so that people know what the hell I'm talking about. That's probably a good thing, since explaining the difference between haiku and senryu would take time away from my single-handed effort to keep the subjunctive mood alive in American English.

Tuesday, February 19, 2002

The Senate Committee on Governmental Oversight and Productivity this afternoon inspired not one but two senryu, which I have lovingly copied out of my reporter's notebook for your enjoyment. Here is the first one:

Chunky lobbyist,
Swolen with power and pride.
Pig nose. Toothy smile.

This next senryu talks about the various hair styles I saw: 

Combover and toupee,
Bleached poofy Southern hairdo,
Distinguished gray, bald. 

Here's a haiku inspired by a front page story in today's newspaper. Let me be absolutely clear on this issue: I want no part of this trend.

Pantyhose for men—
It's not just for cross-dressers,
Says Wall Street Journal.

Monday, March 4, 2002

A Republican senryu, inspired by a beggar in Tallahassee on this bone-chillingly cold day. 

Homeless guy, freezing,
In the Capitol's shadow:
"Got any change?" No.

Wednesday, March 13, 2002

A beer truck hit a school bus in northeast Tampa this morning. There were no children on the bus, but apparently beer is spilling all over Bruce B. Downs Boulevard. Here was my haiku-style response, which I filed on the Trib's message system: 

Precious tasty beer,
Spilling all over Bruce B. Downs—
Where is my straw please? 

Here are some of the responses:

A haiku? Geeze, I'd forgotten what a haiku was since gradeating  hi skool! (YHAMMETT, 3/13/02 11:23) 

beer on a school bus? shocking! (COPS, P MORGAN, 3/13/02 11:24)

RE MSG 3/13 "Where is my straw, please?...": Who drinks beer  with a straw? Be a man.. go out there and drink from the  source. (NGREGOIRE, 3/13/02 11:26)

big beer truck go crash/I spy cans rolling on ground/think I'll  call in sick (COPS, LENGELL, 3/13/02 11:32)

beer spills; down drainpipes; bypassing consumers (COPS, BRENNAN, 3/13/02 11:36)

suds pool languidly/ slaking canine, feline thirsts/ tempting  reporters. (COPS, BARRY, 3/13/02 11:40)

Wednesday, March 20, 2002

A Tallahassee senryu:

Senators babble.
Meeting enters fourteenth hour.
So bored. Butt is numb.

Friday, March 22, 2002

It's supposedly the last day of the Legislative session here in Tallahassee, and the bureau chief here sent the following message to his reporters: 

Be bold with your strokes and scrawls today boys. Let's make  it all forward-looking and highly energetic reading  tomorrow...Weave show-don't-tell details with sharp analysis  and perfectly chosen quotes. Like we do every day, but more so. (TALLY, WARK, 3/22/02 13:32)

My response, of course, was to suggest that we instead write all of the stories in haiku form.

The bureau chief's reply:  

Instead, let's write every story in haiku form. (TALLY, DSIMANOFF, 3/22/02 13:38) See, and you all thought that reminder was un warranted. (WARK, 3/22/02 13:42)  

Wanting the last word, I responded with this message:

Haiku are more fun
Than inverted pyramids,
Whatever the story.

Thursday, April 4, 2002

My latest Tallahassee senryu:

Lawmakers—source of
Limitless stupidity.
And they're boring, too. 

Friday, April 5, 2002

After four months of disgust up here in Tallahassee, my faith in our political process was restored today when the Florida Senate, forced into an all-or-nothing situation by the House of Representatives, decided to throw out an important, 1,800-page school bill. 

Their reason? The bill contains a very short but broadly worded section that allows religious proselytizing in schools. Since the Senate couldn't excise that small provision, they stood up for their principles and dumped the entire bill, despite heavy pressure to adopt it from Gov. Jeb Bush. 

It was a justifiable case of throwing out the baby with the bathwater, in my opinion.

Here is a haiku I wrote earlier today, when things were starting to heat up on the Senate floor. I have been informed that "conference" is three syllables, although it sounds like a two-syllable word when I say it.

Done deal comes undone.
Conference bill has blown up.
A big clusterfuck.

Monday, May 20, 2002

A haiku on the 13th anniversary of Gilda Radner's death: 

Riotous Gilda!
Exuberant, beautiful—
It's always something.

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

Today's haiku, written as I stare longingly out of the newsroom window:

Tuesday, 3:40. 
Across Hillsborough River, 
Tiki Bar beckons.  

Andrew Meadows' response, in haiku form:  
Dave buys the first round,
Seconds thirds fourths fifths. I pay–
Time for a cab ride.

Jerry Stockfisch's response:  
I curse the Tiki Bar for taunting me.

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

Here's a little senryu about weblogs I wrote for Pauly McGuire:

When you have a blog, 
Everything is blogworthy ... 
Except this haiku.

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

Just for the hell of it, here's the plot of "La Boheme" in haiku form:

Joyful poor artists. 
Mimi's hand is freezing cold.
Now she's dead. Life sucks.

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

Today's iPod opera is "Carmen" by Georges Bizet. Here is my synopsis in haiku form:

Time for a smoke break. 
Hey, look, it's the bullfighter! 
José kills Carmen.

Miss Cherizon suggested I write a haiku about "Les Misérables." Here's what I came up with:

Run away, Cosette! 
Here comes the Revolution. 
2-4-6-0-1.

America's Favorite Personal Finance Writer Scott Nelson suggests three more haiku-worthy operas: Beethoven's "Fidelio," Verdi's "La Traviata," and Mozart's "Le Nozze Di Figaro." 

Fidelio: 
Husband imprisoned, 
and lady looks like a dude. 
Great overture, though.

La Traviata: 
Tuberculosis 
used to be called consumption.
Either way, the girl dies.  

Figaro: 
The count wants his way 
With the barber's fiancee. 
Comedy ensues.

Miss Cherizon gets the credit for the last line of this one:

Die Zauberflöte: 
On Tamino's quest, 
Papageno finds fowl love. 
Magic glockenspiel!

Okay, here's the last one for today -- I swear:  

The entire Ring des Nibelungen series: 
The fat lady sings.
Her Viking helmet sprouts horns. 
Wagner hates the Jews.

Monday, January 20, 2003 (MLK day)

Connor's dogs are dead. 
Ignorance, stupidity, 
Are enemies still.

Tuesday, June 3, 2003

Assistant Business Editor Katrina Ferreira brought a box of snack-size candy bars to work today, prompting me to write my first staff haiku in a long time:

All hail Katrina, 
Bringer of sugary treats. 
Alas, no Twix left.  

I hope we get Kit Kat bars next time!

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

It looks like Lord & Taylor is saying bye-bye to the Tampa market. Here's a haiku that's made up of snippets of a message Miss Cherizon sent me: 

I never shopped there. 
Um, did you ever shop there? 
Oh wait. Once. That's it.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

A haiku for Thursday afternoon:  

A missed gayness clue: 
Social dance course in college. 
One, two, three, cha-cha!

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

And now, just for the hell of it, here is a senryu composed entirely of anagrams for "Ohio State Buckeyes" —

Beastie coke youths. 
Ethics: yoke to abuse.
I see buttocks, oh yea!  

The syllable scheme is 5+6+6, which isn't perfect haiku form but still adds up to 17. Another good anagram is "Touchiest obese yak."

_______
¹ Actually, that's a complete and total line of bullshit. I'm posting these as a reminder to Lee Barnes² that I'm quite proficient with three lines and 17 syllables.
² That's right, Barnes. I'm talking to you. Writing one clever haiku about Harley-Davidson owners several years ago doesn't even put you in the running to be considered as one of the finest haiku writers of your generation! So there.

Here's my analysis of all advertising on television right now

2009-04-29T14:34:00.004-04:00

The Four Questions feels Twittery

2009-04-28T07:57:00.005-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing his orange striped polo shirt and a pair of khaki pants. It is a fairly standard issue business casual outfit.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is fearful.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave worries that if the right-wing Republicans don't get him, then swine flu will. Dave doesn't want to be killed by teabaggers nor non-kosher disease. I have been Twittering about some of these fears.

Q. Is Dave excited about any of the upcoming movie releases?

A. Dave has unrealistically high expectations for the new Star Trek movie, which opens next weekend. Dave is about as excited as a nine-year-old Japanese schoolgirl receiving her first Hello Kitty¹ cellphone. Yes, the phone that will show Chococat and Cinnamoroll and the rest of Sanrio menagerie dancing on clouds and rainbows every time a friend calls to say she has also received an officially licensed Sanrio product. Dave is indeed that excited.

¹ For more thoughts about Hello Kitty, go here.

About music titles, this new post is

2009-04-28T07:31:00.003-04:00

I was recently rummaging through some old papers in my nightstand drawer (hello, Mr. Shredder!) and I came across a strip of US Airways comment cards that I had ripped out of one of the airline's magazines several years ago. After looking quizzically at it for a few moments, I suddenly realized what it was: several years ago, on a particularly boring flight, I was listening to Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young" on my iPod and, for no logical reason, I started laughing because I realized that if Yoda had sung the song, the lyric would be "Die young, only the good do."

Britt (who was also listening to his iPod) looked at me, widening his eyes as if to ask why I was laughing. That's when I ripped the cards out of the magazine, wrote down the Yoda lyric, and passed the paper to Britt.

Britt smiled, took out his pen, added "The walrus am I," and returned the page to me.

For the remainder of the flight, Britt and I passed the page back and forth, putting song titles and lyrics through Yoda's famously garbled syntax. Here's the list.

Dave: Die young, only the good do
Britt: The walrus am I
Dave: To the hotel California, you are welcome
Britt: Phunk with my heart, do not
Dave: Hurts, does everyone
Britt: Want me, do you not?
Dave: Preach, papa, do not. My baby I will keep
Britt: Talk about sex, let us
Dave: Bananas, this shit is
Britt: To rule the world, everybody wants
Dave: A beautiful day, it is. Away, do not let it get
Britt: With your best shot: hit me
Dave: One more time, hit me, baby
Britt: Speak, do not
Dave: The oyster, your world is, when one night in Bangkok you spend
Britt: On me, take
Dave: For the devil, sympathy you must have
Britt: To the jungle, welcome
Dave: On, my heart must go
Britt: Hold your hand, I must
Dave: The children, the future are. Believe this I do
Britt: My religion, losing I am
Dave: On fire, the roof is, the roof is
Britt: Let the dogs out, who did?
Dave: Of this sweet dreams are made
Britt: Walk the line I do
Dave: On a jet plane, I am leaving. When back again I will be, I do not know
Dave: Something to talk about, let us give them

Two reasons I will never be Miss America

2009-04-20T07:37:00.000-04:00

1. I don't look good in a tiara and sash.

2. I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one or another. Um, we live in a land that you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And, you know what? In my country and in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised and that's how I think that it should be—between a man and a woman. Thank you!

Now that the tea party is over, what about a book club?

2009-04-17T07:54:00.002-04:00

Watching some of the footage from Wednesday's tea parties, I couldn't help but wonder if many of the party participants had ever read a book. Oh, I'm sure many of them had purchased books—most likely not as reading materials, but as kindling. And, to be fair, I'm sure a great many of them had mouthed their way through Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh books, secretly wishing that the titles had been converted into Michael Bay movies (because, sheesh, reading is hard).

Why do I poke fun at the reading habits (or lack of such habits) of tea party participants? Because, from the pictures and video of Wednesday's tea parties, it is apparent that many of the people who went to these parties don't possess a rudimentary grasp of history, political science, sociology—many of the important ideas that are expressed quite well in, you guessed it, books. Instead of an independent ideological grassroots uprising, I saw flocks of mynah birds repeating what they had been trained to say by Fox News.

So, I'd like to make a modest proposal. Let's start a book club for our friends in the teabagging¹ community. Here's the reading list:

The dictionary: We will start with the words "fascism," and "socialism," as I saw many people struggling to define those words, and others using them interchangeably.
"Nineteen Eighty-Four" by George Orwell: As the teabaggers don't seem to be able to articulate exactly how our current national predicament reflects fascism, this novel will provide an excellent point of reference. It illustrates what life would be like to live inside a true, functioning fascist, authoritarian, totalitarian state.
"Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand: This incredibly long book, a favorite of libertarians, should serve to show teabaggers that they have little in common with Objectivism superheros Dagny Taggart, Hank Rearden, and John Galt. Perhaps they will wonder why they should side with incredibly rich and powerful people who embrace an ideology that doesn't care for them.
"The Diary of Anne Frank" by Anne Frank: Apparently, this group believes their concerns are comparable to those of Jews during the Holocaust.²

Are there additional books to add to the reading list? Send me a comment.

¹ Insert Beavis-like chortle here.

² In Chicago, one teabagger held a sign that said "The American taxpayers are the Jews for Obama's ovens." Regrettably, this is only one of the countless offensive signs that people hoisted at tea parties all over the country. See a sampling at this Huffington Post article.

Some thoughts about tea parties and history

2009-04-16T07:46:00.003-04:00

For the most part, I didn't concern myself too much with the tea party rallies held around the United States yesterday. My theory is that these events had little to do with tea and taxation, which was their stated purpose. Instead, they were an orchestrated effort to keep a certain demographic group in our country riled up¹ about something, anything, so that they remain blindly aligned to a political cause that rarely aligns with their economic interest.²

I summed up my attitude about the tea parties yesterday in my Facebook status message: "David thinks the tea parties are a wonderful idea! The people who participate in those things will enjoy the day off from their usual routine of book burning and gay bashing." I may have actually used the word "idiots" on Facebook instead of people.

The tea parties do perturb me a little bit, and that's mainly because of the historic symbolism of the original Boston Tea Party³. Consider that the Boston Tea Party was not as much a statement about higher taxes as it was a protest against the Colonies' lack of representation in Parliament. The most likely parallel today would be a protest over state representation in the federal government. The last time that happened in the United States was the 1850s: the dividing issue was slavery, and the outcome was the Civil War. Also, remember that the Boston Tea Party was the prelude to the American Revolution.

This all makes me wonder if somewhere, deep down, organizers and participants of these tea parties truly want to revolt and reshape the United States in their image.

A few more notes from the history books:

Members of the Boston Tea Party did not announce they were dumping tea in the river ahead of time, or invite the public to show up, or have an official media sponsor.
There were no tea bags at the Boston Tea Party. Tea bags didn't exist in the 18th century. They were invented, I think, in the early 1900s.

¹ Cf. the Two Minutes' Hate passage in "Nineteen Eighty-Four."
² For further reading, see What's the Matter with Kansas?
³ As an American who grew up in the UK, I have had the benefit of learning about the American Revolution from both the US and British perspective.

I do not want what I haven't got, part VII

2009-04-15T22:57:00.004-04:00

I received a Garmin GPS navigation system for my birthday nearly two years ago. I was originally skeptical of the gift, as I know how to read a map and I didn't imagine much value in a device that could bark directions to me. I was wrong. The Garmin quickly proved itself a handy companion for local driving and an indispensable tool for out-of-town tips.

I have started to consider buying a replacement GPS system. Britt's Garmin functions as a Bluetooth hands-free speaker for his iPhone. My Garmin doesn't have any Bluetooth capabilities, so an upgrade looks tempting. (Britt's model also provides real-time traffic information. That's also quite cool.)

Here's what I don't want, though: the Spotter GPS Navigator Dale Jr. Edition.

For one thing, I don't want to hear Dale Earnhardt, Jr.¹, the NASCAR² star, telling me to "hang a left," "back 'er down," "or "park it—we're here!" For another, I'd be quite suspicious of directions from any person who makes his living by, essentially, doing nothing by turning left. I'd worry that all of the directions would sound like this: "Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Go faster. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left."

Yup, I think I'll get another Garmin. I do not want a Dale Earnhardt, Jr., GPS system.

¹ I have been informed that this man is, in fact, some kind of famous athlete, even though his sport requires him to sit in a car and drive fast. I do much the same thing when I am late for work, and yet I am not recognized as a famous athlete.
² I have been informed that this is some kind of professional motorcar racing league and not, as I originally assumed, an ongoing scientific program to maximize the surface area on vehicles and uniforms for company logos and other corporate branding identity marks.

Jon Stewart + Mahna Mahna = Yay!

2009-04-15T20:31:00.001-04:00

Long time, no posting

2009-04-15T07:36:00.003-04:00

I apologise for the lack of posts. I usually update the Daily Dave in the mornings, but I have been rather groggy for some reason over the past two weeks or so. Instead of heading to Starbucks to sit for an hour and type down ~~random tedious thoughts that, for some reason I still can't comprehend, a handful of people decide to read~~ these excellent musings about life, love, and logorrhea, I have been slapping the snooze button repeatedly. Here is a flowchart that illustrates my typical morning routine:

Here's what happened since my last blog post:

Passover started. I can haz bread? No, I can not haz.
I started using Twitter again, for no good reason. It is not nearly as fun as I remember, but it's a fairly good social networking complement to Facebook. Now I post my random thoughts about the world on Twitter, and my random thoughts about my life on Twitter. Why? Why not. My Twitter account is here.
I taught myself how to make rudimentary flowcharts on Microsoft Visio.

A kitchen confession

2009-04-03T08:08:00.004-04:00

Whenever the topic of cooking comes up, I am quick to admit that I am useless in the kitchen. I make the usual plaints: I can't boil water, I can't operate anything more complicated than a microwave or a toaster oven, I leave all the cooking to Britt.

This isn't exactly the truth. I actually can cook. I make fairly good brisket, matzo ball soup, and noodle kugel. But the facts are these: I have worked very hard to make myself useless in the kitchen. I would love nothing more than to be one of the guys on teevee--the ones who always seem to know exactly what they're doing and make everything look so effortless. I would love the the guy who can leave work at 5:30 p.m., toss some salmon and herbs on the grill, and sit down to a homemade meal by 6:30 p.m.

However, I got so fed up with cooking and baking when I was single that I vowed never to do it again, unless it was absolutely necessary. Cooking for one person is always an exercise in futility: There is no food in the house, so you have to start every meal with a trip to market. The more ambitious the recipe, the exotic the ingredients--and more expensive the bill. I'd wander the aisles in search of honey-infused saffron extract, which would probably cost $15 a fluid ounce.

I'd get these ingredients home, and most of them would never be used again. They'd end up on the shelves or in the fridge for a few months, go bad, and end up in the trash.

When it comes to recipes, I follow directions to the letter. If something calls for three cups¹ of tobacco-marinated Australian Aboriginal lawn clippings, I will locate and use exactly three cups of tobacco-marinated Australian Aboriginal lawn clippings. I am afraid to use any other product, or vary the amount. I could not, for example, replace the tobacco-marinated Australian Aboriginal lawn clippings with shredded lettuce.

No matter what I did, whatever I cooked turned out--well, I shouldn't say it was bad. It was always edible. And sometimes it was pretty good. But it always felt like a disappointment. It was never nearly as tasty as I had anticipated. And I always had so many leftovers. I was stuck eating the same meal for several days, and usually had to throw some away.

It all seemed so futile. So I just gave up. I admitted that cooking was not one of my strengths. I told myself that no matter how much I tried, no matter how many recipes I prepared, I would never turn out the kind of meals that I saw on the cooking shows and in magazines. I also acknowledged that I would always be a slave to recipes, and would never have the know-how to make things from scratch. Cooking was a hobby--an expensive, unfulfilling, wasteful one--and I walked away from it.

Now I specialise in just a few meals. I will share them with you here:

Spaghetti with red sauce: Boil some water. Add spaghetti. Cook it for the time marked in directions on box. Dump jar of spaghetti into separate saucepan. Heat according to directions on jar. When it's all done, serve. Give it the additional Dave touch by adding some black olives (without pits) before serving!

Box of raisins: Open box. Eat raisins.

Grilled cheese sandwich: You need a toaster oven to make this. A regular toaster won't do. First, toast bread. Then, put a slice of cheese on each piece of bread and toast it again. Put the pieces of bread together, with the cheese on the inside, and eat.

Chocolate chip cookies: Open tube of chocolate chip cookie dough. Eat dough directly from tube. Tell Britt that if he really wanted fully cooked cookies, he should have purchased fully cooked cookies.

Soup: Dump can of soup into saucepan. Heat according to directions of label. Note: some soup requires you to add a can of water.

Chili: See directions for soup. No additional water will be required. For fun, serve over spaghetti. Note: wash out pot before the chili gets too cold and sticks to the sides like concrete. You'll be happy you did.

Carrot surprise: Open bag of carrots. Eat. There is no surprise. What did you think you were eating--Cracker Jack?

¹ Let's not forget that I grew up in a country that used the metric system. I have no idea how many cups there are in a hogshead, or whatever silly medieval units of measurement you use over here. Pints and quarts? Srlsy? No wonder I couldn't revise the recipes for, say, 2 people instead of 4.

How Britt and I spent our Friday afternoon

2009-03-31T08:43:00.000-04:00

One of the strangest things I saw (and heard) in the NY subway yesterday

2009-03-29T00:34:00.002-04:00

What does the New York subway system, the Star Trek theme tune, and a saw have in common? Watch my latest video and you will discover the answer.

The Four Questions says happy birthday to Wendy and Kristen

2009-03-26T07:51:00.004-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing his pink dress shirt and a purple-and-black tie. If Dave were any more handsome or fashionable right now, you'd mistake him for a GQ cover model.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is excited.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. The new GLBT Circle steering council -- of which Dave is a member -- is hosting its first meeting today.

Q. Why did Dave decide to wear a pink shirt?

A. All gay men are required to wear pink shirt to GLBT-related functions, as stipulated in section 4, subsection 32, paragraph 14.3 of the Gay Agenda.

Горяче и холодно for your amusement

2009-03-25T21:35:00.002-04:00

I know nothing about this band. I only know:

They are from Russia, Bulgaria, Serbia, the Ukraine, or one of the other places in the world that uses the Cyrillic alphabet.
They totally crack me up.

Los Colorados, hot and cold reprise Katy Perry
by nico-eteignez

It was Barbara who brought all that leftover Halloween candy into work today

2009-03-24T16:58:00.004-04:00

Actual exchange:

Me, incredulously: "Who the hell has leftover Halloween candy anyway?"

Barb: "Us thin people have leftover Halloween candy, that's who."

Me, sheepishly: "Touché."

The Two Squared Questions

2009-03-24T08:36:00.002-04:00

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing khakis and a mossy green polo shirt.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave feels sick to his stomach.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave just saw straight people kiss in Starbucks. Dave doesn't mind straight people. Some of Dave's best friends are straight. Dave just wishes that straight people would keep their disgusting lifestyle in the bedroom, where in belongs, instead of flaunting it in public where children might see it.

Q. What did Dave think of "I Love You, Man?"

A. Dave loved it, man.

Two completely unnecessary videos for your viewing enjoyment

2009-03-24T08:19:00.003-04:00

If you have spare time and don't mind being disappointed, here are two new videos for you to watch:

Speeding across the Sunshine Skyway in less than 90 seconds

Britt and Dave at the Rays-Pirates spring training game on March 15, 2009

My Five-Year Plan for music

2009-03-24T07:37:00.002-04:00

When I was in college, I discovered music that was written by people approximately my age, reflecting my world view and my experiences. For me, this was a revelation. Until then, I had survived on the music of my parents' generation, such as the Rolling Stones and Billy Joel, or whatever mainstream radio and MTV had deemed fit to shove down my throat.

Just a few months ago, I realized that my musical diet hadn't changed much since the early 1990s. The XM satellite radio in my new car featured dozens of ad-free radio stations, but I only listened to two: I usually played the station playing hits from my college years (named Lithium, after the Nirvana song), and occasionally tuned into one playing songs from the '80s.

It was a sad and sudden epiphany: I had evolved, but not the music I listened to, with the exception of a few happy discoveries like The Dresden Dolls and Lily Allen. I immediately thought back to an old Margaret Cho comedy routine, when she imagines Generation X'ers in a nursing home in the future, listening to oldies on the radio. "Turn up 'Hungry Like the Wolf'," she says.

I set out to discover new music. I called this my Five-Year Plan -- to begin focusing on singers and bands that had been around for less than five years. These were my tools:

Sirius XM (née XM), which plays music that I've never heard on mainstream radio stations
Shazam, a free app for the iPhone that helps identify any song that's playing. Once the song is tagged, you have a handy list of songs you like, which comes in handy when you go home and want to check out songs and build a playlist in ...
iTunes and the iTunes store.
my iPhone.

Through my Five-Year Plan, I have discovered three absolutely brilliant bands: TV on the Radio, Vampire Weekend, and Fleet Foxes. I am listening to Neko Case and Ray Lemontagne, two singers I would have overlooked before. I appreciate Feist beyond "1, 2, 3, 4" and can't wait for Regina Spektor's new album.

Here is an iTunes Mix sharing some of my Five-Year Plan goodness:

I didn't set out on the Five-Year Plan to regain my youth or replace my favorite bands from the early '90s. I'll remain an R.E.M. fan for life. I merely saw a place in my life where I was getting stale, and I shook things up. I'm glad I did.

¹ Yes, I know it's not a dial anymore.

Please allow me to (re-)introduce myself. I'm a man of (little) wealth and (even less) taste

2009-03-24T07:23:00.004-04:00

I apologise for my irregular posting schedule during the past two weeks. I have reached the age, sadly, where I know firsthand that irregularity is a very bad thing.

I have been preoccupied by the following things:

Sleep.
I was sick for a few days.
Work.
Did I mention sleep?¹

I will try to post blog items more frequently from now on.

¹ Really, I blame Daylight Savings Time for my overreliance on the snooze button for the last two weeks. Who wants to get out of bed when it's dark outside? I slap the snooze button so many times each morning that the alarm clock and I have already devised a safe word. There is that much slapping involved.

Christo and Jeanne-Claude have followed me to my new job!

2009-03-18T16:15:00.002-04:00

First, read this post from April 26, 2006. Then, look at what I saw in the men's room this afternoon:

The only possible conclusion is that Christo and Jean-Claude are following me from job to job, turning my bathrooms into public art installations.

And what, might I ask, makes this particular foodstuff so smart?

2009-03-15T00:59:00.005-04:00

Did it earn a PhD in Porkanomics and a Masters in Vegantology from Nova Southeastern University? I don't think so.

Sorry about the lack of posts

2009-03-10T08:15:00.002-04:00

I have been busy posting nearly 600 old¹ photographs to Facebook. If you're a Facebook friend, check out my photo galleries.

¹ And I mean OLD. They're from 1982 to 1994.

I am presenting the following Microsoft Paint masterpiece without any context because, frankly, it's funnier that way

2009-03-06T16:30:00.002-05:00

I suppose, on hindsight, "welding hat" should be "welding helmet." Oh well.

It has been a non-stop whirlwind of birthdays

2009-03-06T07:21:00.003-05:00

The Daily Dave Office of Birthday Cake and Candle Procurement has been very busy these days. Congratulations to Doug, Janet, Mary, and Cherie -- and many happy returns.

And I can't forget a special birthday shout-out to Kurt Loft. Kurt and I met in the Tribune newsroom in 1999, and since we've built a relationship on mutual respect, intelligent conversation, a love a classical music¹, and smack talk.

In honor of Kurt's birthday, I posted my award-winning² nature documentary, "In Search of the Elusive Kurtloft," to YouTube. In this short film, I travel halfway around the world to find one of nature's most enigmatic creatures, the greater yellow-crested bespectacled mustachioed kurtloft.

The video was only posted for 24 hours, to coincide with Kurt's birthday. If you haven't seen it, you may be able to find a bootlegged copy on the black market. Or, just ask Kurt. He has the DVD.

Here are some facts³ about me and Kurt:

Kurt and I were briefly recruited to serve in the US Government's paranormal research bureau.
I wrote the libretto for Kurt's opera, "Ich Trage Ein Kleid, Ich Bin Hübsch."
Kurt and I call each other every evening to coordinate our outfits.
Kurt and I participated in the Running of the Bulls. Alas, it was not the one in Pamplona. We were trampled by a bunch of basketball players in Chicago.
Kurt flings rubber bands at me during the work day. I have recently discovered that he writes a tiny letter on each rubber band. In order, these letters seem to spell out a sentence. So far, they say "All work and no play makes Kurt a dul..."

¹ Except for Wagner. Kurt adores Wagner. I think the only good thing even remotely related to Wagner's anti-Semitic brain is that his music is the foundation for the best Bugs Bunny cartoon ever, "What's Opera, Doc?"
² This is not true. I have won no awards for this documentary.
³ Lies.

The Daily Dave

I'll tumblr for you, tumblr for you, tumbl for you ...

The Four Questions is allowed to put Baby in a corner

The Four Questions calls for an immediate end to anarchy in the UK

The Four Questions have long legs and burgundy lips, and are dancin' down on the Sunset Strip

It's one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and the Four Questions

Q. What is Dave wearing?

The Four Questions doesn't have a problem with focus -- oh, look, kittens!

The Four Questions are robots in disguise

Tongue-tied, short of breath, don't even try -- You're not naive, you must be strong for the Four Questions

The Here's the Four Questions, over ice, with a shot of espresso, two splenda, and soy milk

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. Four Questions time, qradruply so.

On seeing Derek Jeter at Starbucks, and thinking about Michael

Schmuck of the day

Christchurch earthquake – where is the PwC office?

I've had the time of my life, and I owe it all to the Four Questions

There's no questions like Four Questions like no questions I know

The Four Questions doesn't jump to conclusions — it stands still, and the conclusions jump to it

The Four Questions are back in all their resplendent glory -- but for how long?

Don't ask, don't tell, but do yell at your television sets

The Four Questions: produced on Earth, home planet of the pizza bagel

An ode to Chewbacca (to the tune of "I Had a Little Dreidel")

Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant compared to the power of the Four Questions

The Four Questions go bragh

The Four Questions hangs its hat in Tennessee

The disembodied voice that announces voices in this elevator seems a bit too aroused

So, I ended up buying that new camera. How do the pictures look?

Target has an entire aisle of Hanukkah goodies! Jews are not relegated to a sad, lonely endcap this holiday season!

Over San Francisco

Hanukkah seems to come earlier every year. Or later. Or at the same time.

I always wanted our home to be more like the back pocket of an airplane seat. And now it is.

Dear Honda

Happy birthday, Britt!

Pictures from Britt's surprise birthday party (part 2)

Pictures from Britt's surprise birthday party (part 2)

Pictures from Britt's surprise birthday party (part 1)

Watch out, Beck and Limbaugh!

I know some retailers won't match their *competitor's* prices, but this is ridiculous

With apologies to Cliff Richards (and insects)

Best. Productivity blog. Ever.

And now we know what made HAL crazy -- this rendition of "Thus Spake Zarathustra"

Folds, Hornby, and Johnston!

Shopping at Cost Plus World Market

I am setting my TiVo now

Won't you be my friend, Kristen Wiig?

Synecdoche is the figure of speech in which part of something represents the whole (e.g. asking for someone's "hand" in marriage). Oh, and watch this.

This is where I think about when people sing about where the deer (but not the antelope) play. Blame my expatriate childhood.

Waiting at CVS for my prescriptions to be filled

Untitled

Another excuse to eat more ice cream

I wrote a song for you, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and it was called "Yellow."

I am noticing a trend at the bookstore

MobileMe Gallery - Cousins weekend 2009

MobileMe Gallery - Ryland turns two

Some random iPhone photos

Perhaps the best episode of TV ever

I don't think I'm in the target demographic for this bacon bra

Best. Greeting card verbiage. Ever.

Matt Hires at Vinyl Fever

Matt Hires at Vinyl Fever

Matt Hires singing

Random photos from Sunday

I have noticed a trend in the bookstore

I watch "The Simpsons" way too much

I'm quoted

Quote of the day: Christopher Isherwood

I enjoy playing with my food

One year (and 12 days ... but who's counting?)

America's Favorite Toddler is the hit of the wedding party

My former employer made an indefensible decision by running "Speechless," but I don't feel comfortable about protesting there this afternoon

A reenactment of the Jurassic Park River Adventure ride at Universal, courtesy of Dave and Britt

My original idea involved cat socks made from Swiffer cloths

Autobahn confessions

Join Britt and I on a trip to scenic Rothenburg, Germany

The Rhineland's a fine land today!

Happy anniversary, mom and dad

Live long and puzzle

Many people have said that I am the finest haiku writer of my generation. Here is some long-lost evidence.

Here's my analysis of all advertising on television right now

The Four Questions feels Twittery

I know some retailers won't match their competitor's prices, but this is ridiculous