Friday, February 13, 2009

The Four Questions are hot then they're cold, they're yes then they're no, they're in then they're out, they're up then they're down

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing a diaper, and he is carrying a handful of sharpened projectiles and a tension-based weapon which with to deploy them. Oh, what? It's all cute when cupid goes around dressed like a baby with a bow and arrow, but when a large 36-year-old guy with a hairy belly does it, everyone gets all judgmental!? What gives, society? Where's your sense of fun for Valentine's Day?

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave wishes he were in the subjunctive mood. (All the English majors in the audience are laughing. All of the normal people are silent.)

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave realized this morning that he has done absolutely nothing to prepare for Valentine's Day. He hopes Britt can be convinced that Taco Bell is romantic in a shabby chic kind of way.

Q. Since today is Friday the 13th, what are Dave's thoughts about Triskaidekaphobia?

A. Dave does not have the condition of triskaidekaphobia, which is an irrational fear of the number 13. Dave does have triscuitdelaphobia, which is a fear of Nabisco Triscuits, as he believes they were scientifically formulated to get stuck under his bridges and irritate his gums.

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