Thursday, February 26, 2009

Everything you always wanted to know about diet and nutrition (but were afraid I'd tell you)

I have lost more than five pounds since joining Weight Watchers three weeks ago. (I actually joined four weeks ago, but I'm not counting the first week, as it was the Super Bowl, and as an American man I was required by law to consume 20 pounds of chicken wings.)

In my attempts to lose weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle, I am learning that some of my assumptions about food and nutrition are not, in actuality, true. It turns out that these facts are not, in fact, facts:
  • If you put anything in a salad bowl, it counts as a salad. (Corollary: Any toppings, such as maraschino cherries and chocolate chips, count as croutons.)
  • An entire box of Girl Scout cookies is considered one serving.
  • Eating an entire bag of gummi bears at breakfast is beneficial1.
  • Since brown rice is good for you, white rice, fried rice, and rice pudding are too.
  • Any green food, including green M&Ms, are vegetables.
  • A Terry's Chocolate Orange contains the same nutritional benefits as an orange.
  • If you don't eat at least one piece of chocolate a day, you will die.
  • By law, every man must eat at least 20 pounds of chicken wings during the Super Bowl.
1 Apparently, you're just supposed to have one Flintstone Children's Gummie Vitamin. And that's if you're a child.

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