Friday, February 27, 2009

Four Questions in a hurry

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave can't answer that, as he's not fully dressed yet. He can't presume to know what he will be wearing in a few minutes, as human beings have free will.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is feeling rushed.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave woke up late, which is a problem, as he intended to go to the post office before heading into work.

Q. What does Dave think about the Octomom story that keeps showing up on teevee?

A. Dave believes the Octomom is Exhibit A in the case of Why Straight People Shouldn't Be Allowed To Have Children.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Adventures in traffic

On my way to work, I was stopped behind a car with at least one pit bull1 sticker -- all three stickers may have been proclaiming pit bull pride2, in fact -- and a big red warning: "Beware of Dog."

This may be the world's worst automobile security system ever. For one thing, the owner is required to keep his or her dogs in the vehicle at all times. For another, the security system can be disarmed by anyone with a box of Milk Bones or some sausage links.

1 Don't even get me started on the pit bull thing. They are not cute and cuddly dogs in need of a good press agent.

2 Worst. Parade float. Ever.

Everything you always wanted to know about diet and nutrition (but were afraid I'd tell you)

I have lost more than five pounds since joining Weight Watchers three weeks ago. (I actually joined four weeks ago, but I'm not counting the first week, as it was the Super Bowl, and as an American man I was required by law to consume 20 pounds of chicken wings.)

In my attempts to lose weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle, I am learning that some of my assumptions about food and nutrition are not, in actuality, true. It turns out that these facts are not, in fact, facts:
  • If you put anything in a salad bowl, it counts as a salad. (Corollary: Any toppings, such as maraschino cherries and chocolate chips, count as croutons.)
  • An entire box of Girl Scout cookies is considered one serving.
  • Eating an entire bag of gummi bears at breakfast is beneficial1.
  • Since brown rice is good for you, white rice, fried rice, and rice pudding are too.
  • Any green food, including green M&Ms, are vegetables.
  • A Terry's Chocolate Orange contains the same nutritional benefits as an orange.
  • If you don't eat at least one piece of chocolate a day, you will die.
  • By law, every man must eat at least 20 pounds of chicken wings during the Super Bowl.
1 Apparently, you're just supposed to have one Flintstone Children's Gummie Vitamin. And that's if you're a child.

America's Favorite Toddler will save us from economic ruin

I am convinced that my nephew is the most adorable person on the planet. If we could find a way to harness his adorability, and convert it into a clean energy source, we could solve the nation's energy and economic problems.

Britt and I visited Ryland, Lee, and Michon last weekend. Here are two videos I have made. Click on each image to see the movie on MobileMe.

Please allow me to introduce myself: I'm a man of wealth and taste and Four Questions

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is dressed like Lady Ga Ga, who apparently has his Firm's uniform nailed down.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is in a good mood, even though he will miss Brooks and Dunn.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave says the weather is good, and things are going well at home and work. He also says that his venti iced skinny cafe con leche with two Splenda and a small shot of vodka also help start the day off right.

Q. Why is Dave upset about missing a country and western band?

A. Dave wasn't referring to Brooks & Dunn, the country and western duo, in his second answer. Yesterday, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers cut two of Dave's favorite players, Derrick Brooks and Warrick Dunn.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

It must have escaped from our belfry

There was some minor excitement in the office yesterday when we discovered a bat. I didn't get a chance to take a photo, but who needs photorealism when you've got Microsoft Paint on your work computer?

Today's Memo: Bumper sticker consolidation

To: The guy Britt and I parked next to Friday night
From: Dave
Subject: All the bumper stickers
Date: Feb. 25, 2008

When Britt and I parked next to your automobile Friday night, we noticed you had six separate stickers on your rear bumper. Upon closer inspection, it was clear that some of these stickers were, in fact, covering up older stickers.

The problem is obvious. You want to broadcast your world view to other people, but there simply isn't enough real estate on the back of your car to handle all the bumper stickers. This causes myriad challenges for you, including:
  • Old messages must be covered up to provide space for new messages.
  • Readers may be overwhelmed by the number of messages on the back of your car, and decide to simply not read any of them.
  • So many bumper stickers crowded onto one car can be viewed as an aesthetic failure.
I propose a cost-effective, visually appealing solution. Why not consolidate all of your smaller bumper stickers into one large sticker that expresses your philosophy of life? It would read:

I am an asshole.

My firm can help you with the design and implementation of a bumper sticker transition plan. For a deeper discussion of what bumper sticker consolidation can do for you, contact us today. 

We will rebuild, we will recover, and the Four Questions will emerge stronger than before

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing his light blue Mickey Mouse polo shirt. For those of you that have never heard of Mickey Mouse, he is an 81-year-old cartoon character who now serves as the corporate mascot and icon for the Walt Disney Company. He is probably one of the most recognizable images in the world, in the same league as the Mona Lisa and the OK gesture.

If you have never heard of Mickey Mouse, Dave finds it hard to believe that (a) you know how to use a computer and (b) you live in a place that has Internet access.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is in a playful mood today.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave has been quite busy at the office, but he's also quite happy with the work he's doing. Dave is also the new Communications Officer (aka secretary) for the GLBT Circle at work, which he finds exciting. However, if you have never heard of Mickey Mouse, you probably have no idea what "GLBT" means.

Q. Did Dave watch President Obama's speech to Congress last night?

A. Dave did not watch the speech, in fact, He watched the new Futurama DVD, "Into the Wild Blue Yonder," instead. Dave believes his priorities are in order.

Monday, February 23, 2009


Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Clothes.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Terse.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Busy.

Q. Does Dave feel rushed today?

A. Yes.

Friday, February 20, 2009

The mysteries of CVS

Questions raised by last night's visit to the drug store:

  • Why do bars of soap do not contain the word "soap" anywhere on their packaging? I see phrases like "moisture bar" and "beauty bar," but rarely do I see "soap."
  • Why does Old Spice, a brand made famous for selling aftershave with a distinctive scent, rarely use that scent any more in any of its products? Old Spice deodorant with the original scent is a rarity. Old Spice deodorant/antiperspirant with the original scent is harder to find than a yeti or unicorn. Instead, Old Spice sells body washes and hygiene products with scents called "swagger," "pure sport," "showtime," and "aqua reef."
  • Exactly how famous do you have to be before you can have your own fragrance? Apparently, not very famous.
  • Federal law will soon require Hannah Montana's face to be stamped on the packaging for all consumer products. We're in the transitionary period now, so some companies have already adopted the new regulations and the others are preparing to make the switch. This is the only explanation I can think of for the riot of Hannah Montana branding in the store.

Considering all the problems I experienced on my work laptop yesterday (including two visits from the Blue Screen of Death), I have concluded ...

... that the only program that doesn't crash the PC is Microsoft Paint.

This digital art project is funded by the National Endowment for Channeling Your Frustration into a Doodle as not to Throw Your PC Against a Wall.

Sweet dreams are made of these Four Questions

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing a polo shirt underneath a rugby shirt. It's a little chilly in Florida today. He's also wearing jeans, because today is Jeans Day at the firm. Although some critics might say Jeans Day is too informal for a large professional services firm, at least we don't have Speedo Day like another Big Four firm that I could mention. (KPMGross!)

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is a little bit tired.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave experienced some difficulty falling asleep tonight. Perhaps he couldn't get comfortable. Perhaps it had something to do with the 128 cups of coffee he drank earlier that day. It is simply a mystery, and impossible for us to know.

Q. Is Dave working on any more movies?

A. Dave and Britt are heading to Jacksonville this weekend, where they'll have plenty of time with America's Favorite one-and-a-half-year-old, Ryland. Dave is certain he will shoot enough footage to produce a little video.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Hamburglar (robble-robble-robble) is the official spokesthief of the Four Questions

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing a red In-N-Out polo shirt that Britt purchased for him at the In-N-Out restaurant company store in Las Vegas. (Or was it Baldwin Park, Calif.? Dave should pay more attention to where Britt goes on his mileage runs.) The shirt has attracted plenty of attention and comments. Dr. Bulnes, Dave's dentist's partner1 raved about In-N-Out, prompting a five-minute conversation about where to find good burgers in Tampa2. At Starbucks, a man with hope in his eyes (and hunger on his lips) rushed up to Dave to ask if In-N-Out was opening any restaurants in the Tampa Bay area. The man apparently thought Dave worked for In-N-Out. The man seemed distraught to learn that Dave, in fact, has nothing to do with the In-N-Out organization. Dave attempted to lift his spirits by telling him about some of the items on the In-N-Out secret menu3.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave feels a little cloudy right now, but that's probably because it's a little cloudy and rainy right now.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave says you should refer to the previous answer. Why does Dave have to repeat himself?

Q. Does the In-N-Out polo shirt smell or taste like an In-N-Out hamburger?

A. Regrettably, the In-N-Out polo shirt appears to be made from ordinary fabric. Dave has not tasted the shirt because he doesn't have any ketchup handy.

1The we-share-a-dental-practice kind of partner, not the Britt-and-Dave kind.
2Answer: sadly, nowhere.
3Dave recommends the Double-Double burger, prepared animal style.

It's a shame MTV doesn't show music videos any more, becuase I made this great Bok Tower Gardens video with music in it

On Valentine's Day, Britt and Dave went to Bok Tower Gardens to enjoy a live concert performed on one of the world's largest instruments. (Yes, a double bass is a large instrument. So is a piano. And a tuba. But none of these is more than 200 feet tall, and clad in pink marble, are they?)

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

It's business time — for New Zealand tourism

America’s Favorite Business Process Improvement Writer Doug Stanley and I have become taken with “Flight of the Conchords,” a documentary following New Zealand’s fourth most popular comedy folk duo as they attempt to gain a foothold in the United States. (The program runs on HBO, which is known for groundbreaking documentaries such as Spike Lee’s “4 Little Girls.”)

“Flight of the Conchords” gives us an inside glimpse of the New Zealand consulate offices in New York, where the band has its regular meetings with manager Murray Hewitt. One of my favorite things about watching these meetings is spotting the New Zealand tourism posters on the wall.
  • “New Zealand: Don’t expect too much. You’ll love it.”
  • “New Zealand: Take your mum”
  • “New Zealand: Better than Old Zealand”
  • “New Zealand rocks!” (this accompanies a picture of rocks)
These are challenging economic times, and the New Zealand tourism marketing board might appreciate some free suggestions for new poster verbiage. As someone who has visited New Zealand, I have some ideas:
  • “New Zealand: Come for the sheep. Stay for the lamb chops.”
  • “New Zealand: We have Starbucks now”
  • “New Zealand: Maori than you expected”
  • “New Zealand: Haka nice day”
  • “New Zealand: Just like Lord of the Rings, without the roving bands of murderous Orcs”
  • “New Zealand: Well, since you’re flying all the way to Australia, we’re not that far out of your way”
  • “Check out New Zealand nightlife: Many of our shops and restaurants are open until 6 p.m.!”

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

It was one year ago today (more or less)

I can't believe I didn't commemorate the anniversary of the day I gave notice to The Tampa Tribune. It was Sunday.

On Feb. 15, 2008, I posted a particularly enigmatic installment Four Questions. A few hours later, I announced that I had given my two weeks' notice. In the subsequent days, I began a series of posts about things I would not miss about working at the newspaper:

Its not me, its you

I spotted this handsome gentleman on the Tyra Banks show on the day before Valentine's Day. He was charming, spoke with a British accent -- not too posh, but not too chav either -- and had the kind of arms that ordinarily would make me want to lick the TV screen. (None of this comes across, however, because it's nearly impossible to take a photo of a TV image with your iPhone, as you can see.)

Despite this man's charms, I find him completely and utterly undesirable. (Or, as I put it more bluntly to Britt: "That guy is unfuckable!") Want to know why? Because he's wearing a T-shirt that broadcasts such a glaring grammatical error to the world. "I'm your's" should be "I'm yours." (Technically, "Take me, I'm yours" is a run-on sentence and should be two sentences, but that kind of usage sadly has become commonplace that this error doesn't seem nearly as egregious as the added apostrophe in "yours.")

If this man is wearing this shirt on television, he's either too stupid to know the basic rules about apostrophes and possessives, or he's so unconcerned about his reputation that he's willing to appear ignorant to Tyra's broadcast audience.

Based entirely on my visual observations, Apple now dominates the computer market

Here is a highly scientific market analysis, based on all of the laptops I can see right now at Starbucks.

It must be mentioned that one of the PC users is, in fact, asleep. This would make him a very poor spokesman for PCs.

I believe my figures prove two things: First, Macs are outselling PCs two-to-one; and, second, I should not be allowed to select the data samples for market research reports.

The Four Questions are just not that into you

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing a facial expression that displays his disapproval. Someone has put a cup of water next to the only empty comfy chair at Starbucks, signifying that it is, is fact taken. However, the owner of the water cup is nowhere to be seen. Dave wants to sit in the comfy chair but is a Nice Jewish Boy. NJBs will not risk sitting in an unoccupied chair if there's a possibility the previous occupant has just popped away for a moment, and will come back soon to claim it.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Despite his consternation over the unused chair, Dave is quite contented.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave slept well and finds work challenging but fulfilling.

Q. Did someone who is obviously not the owner of the water cup JUST NOW sit down in the comfy chair?

A. Dave reports that yes, in fact, a man did in fact in the comfy chair, showing no concern for whether or not the owner of the water will return presently. This man is obviously not a Nice Jewish Boy.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The best souvenir ever

As Britt and I waited to enter the Blue Man Group theater Saturday night, a vendor hauling a stack of programs worked the line. The first few times he passed us, he sounded like an ordinary employee trying to sell an ordinary souvenir program but, as time passed, his claims grew increasingly ridiculous:
  • It's full-color souvenir book for only $10 (that's good)
  • There's an essay from the founders of the Blue Man Group (ah, very nice)
  • It explains why they chose the color blue (that would be very interesting)
  • This is the best souvenir you will ever buy (ever? really? can you back up that claim?)
  • It's got full-color photos from tonight's performance (unless they were printed in the future and transported back in time, that isn't possible.)
Britt and I began adding our own ludicrous claims:
  • Printed on 24-karat gold leaf
  • Forward is written by William Faulkner
  • Pages can be processed into a mushy pasted that cures hemorrhoids
  • Actually the lost ancient Egyptian Book of the Dead (as seen in "The Mummy")
  • Includes two tickets to Cirque du Soleil's "La Nouba"
We did not buy a Blue Man book. Britt said it would be quite depressing to buy one, knowing that it would, in fact, be the best souvenir we would ever purchase, and every subsequent souvenir would pale in comparison.

If you are sitting in the first six rows of the Four Question audience, you may get splattered with paint

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing black pajamas. He has painted his entire head blue. He hopes his audition with the Blue Man Group goes well, because he will look ridiculous if he has to go into the office dressed like this.  

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is in a happy mood.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave and Britt had an absolutely wonderful Valentine's Day weekend. At the last moment, they decided to head east, visiting Bok Tower Gardens in Lake Wales before driving to Orlando to see the Blue Man Group at Universal Studios.

Q. If Dave were a member of the Blue Man Group, which Blue Man would he be?

A. Dave doesn't know. All the Blue Men have such distinctive personalities. Dave would have a hard time deciding which role he wanted to play.

A loophole in the laws of gravity?

On our way to Bok Tower Gardens in Lake Wales on Saturday, Britt and I made a quick detour to visit Spook Hill, a place that seems to defy the laws of nature. At Spook Hill, gravity appears to draw cars uphill!

Turn up the sound and join Britt and me on our scariest journey yet:

Friday, February 13, 2009

LDN Calling

I created this playlist after a trip to London a while back, but when I tried to pass it along to a friend I discovered that some of the songs had gone missing. One of the absentees was Lily Allen's "LDN," an absolutely brilliant song -- the one I named the entire mix after, in fact.

I've redone the iMix so that everything publishes properly again.

My playlist notes (which you'll see if you follow the top link) say "The Romans invaded Britain and founded Londinium about 2,000 years ago. The Normans defeated the Anglo-Saxons and began their reign in London in 1066. I went to London earlier this month and I didn't conquer anyone or anything, but I did compile a pretty cool playlist."


I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got, Part VI

Picking up from where I left off in December 2007, here is the next item in my very important series of things that I never ever want to own, consume, purchase, sponsor, or patronize.

I do not want novelty-shaped pizzas. The only exception: Pizza bagels.

The Four Questions are hot then they're cold, they're yes then they're no, they're in then they're out, they're up then they're down

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing a diaper, and he is carrying a handful of sharpened projectiles and a tension-based weapon which with to deploy them. Oh, what? It's all cute when cupid goes around dressed like a baby with a bow and arrow, but when a large 36-year-old guy with a hairy belly does it, everyone gets all judgmental!? What gives, society? Where's your sense of fun for Valentine's Day?

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave wishes he were in the subjunctive mood. (All the English majors in the audience are laughing. All of the normal people are silent.)

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave realized this morning that he has done absolutely nothing to prepare for Valentine's Day. He hopes Britt can be convinced that Taco Bell is romantic in a shabby chic kind of way.

Q. Since today is Friday the 13th, what are Dave's thoughts about Triskaidekaphobia?

A. Dave does not have the condition of triskaidekaphobia, which is an irrational fear of the number 13. Dave does have triscuitdelaphobia, which is a fear of Nabisco Triscuits, as he believes they were scientifically formulated to get stuck under his bridges and irritate his gums.

A Space Odometer-essy

I believe Stanley Kubrick would be pleased with the odometer reading in my new car.

Of course, this isn't nearly as cool an accomplishment as the time I hit 80,085 miles in my old Honda Accord. The odometer appeared to spell out BOOBS.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Today's haiku: Knowledge management

"Knowledge management."
"Glenn wanted a keg memo."
These are anagrams!

Captain Morgan doing magic tricks? Dolls gone wild? That can only mean one thing: Barb's birthday!

Barb Gabriel recently celebrated the nth anniversary of the 29th birthday. (Do not solve for n, the unknown variable, because Barb will be mad at you.) By sheer coincidence—I totally swear; it has been in there since Istanbul!—I happened to have my videocamera in my backpack that day.

The Four Questions are part of the rebel alliance, and a traitor. Take them away!

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. If honor of the 200th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln's birth, Dave is wearing a large stovepipe hat and a fake beard. It is also the 200th anniversary of the birth of Charles Darwin, so Dave has nicknamed his Honda CR-V the Beagle and plans to drive around pushing the scientific theory of evolution on those who still embrace Biblical creationism.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is a man of many moods today, as the following photograph (taken just moments ago) illustrates:

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave feels like hamming it up for the camera. (Question: Are Jewish people allowed to ham it up for the camera?) Also, feels it was a bad decision to take pictures from that particular camera angle, as it gives the impression that his body has approximately the same shape as Grimace's, the McDonald's spokes-whatever-the-hell-it-is.

Q. What the hell is Dave doing in that fourth photo?

A. Dave was attempting to position his hands for a Home Alone scream, but couldn't do it in time. Instead, it looks like he is wiping his tongue with one hand, and hitting his ear with the other one. Make of this what you will.

The write stuff

Until recently, writing was easy for me.

As a newspaper reporter, I could look at a blank screen and attack it fearlessly. The words came effortlessly. Once I wrote the lead paragraph, everything else flowed freely like water from a spigot. I rarely ever used an outline. My writing style was conversational, even when it never directly addressed the reader. Paragraphs were short. Sentences were short—except for the occasional long sentence that added tone and texture to the story.

Today, writing is much more difficult. The materials I produce for my new job can't be conversational. I fumble for the right words to describe ideas clearly. My inclination to start writing with a lead paragraph is counterproductive, and my outlining abilities are rusty. My documents feel poorly structured, too long, too short, too broad, too focused.

Now that I have nearly a year's worth of experience, I can compare the difference between writing at the newspaper and for my new job as this: Newspaper:Firm::"Peanuts":Shakespeare

It's maddening to realize that you're not as brilliant as you thought you were—especially when the talent at stake is the one around which you've built your identity and staked your career. This is one of those frustrating reminders that I'm getting older and I'm not able to adapt to new challenges as quickly as I once could.

The situation isn't nearly as dismal as I'm describing it. I'm doing good work, but it takes a tremendous amount of conscious effort, whereas I used to do a lot writing on autopilot. I've talked to my coach, and she agrees that the transition from newspaper work to the more formal writing expected at my job now is difficult. And I'm trying my hardest to learn new skills and hone old ones to help me become a better writer and organizer.

Of course, it helps to have a sense of humor to deal with situations like this. Whenever I'm completely daunted, and can't seem to translate a concept into words, I like to remind myself that I is a good righter so everything will work out in the end.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

May I be excused? My brain is full.

I am failing to absorb any new knowledge these days. My brain has no available space for additional information, as it's already filled with the following data:

Some of this information is useless--for example, do I really need to know who said "and that's how I got the vending machine contract for the Kremlin?" (The answers: no, I probably don't need to know that; and it was spoken by Springfield Power Plant owner C. Montgomery Burns.) Other information is frequently outdated. I usually forget where I have parked my car as soon as I sit down at my desk, and I can never recall what I ate for dinner the previous evening.

Surely, there must be a way to increase a brain's capacity to ingest more knowledge. What is it? Does it involve a lobotomy, or magnets? I hope I can find a solution to this challenge soon, as it's getting late and I don't remember if I fed the dog yet.

Hair of the dog

I have noticed a trend of beers with dog-themed names and labels. So why is there no Hump Your Leg Lager yet?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Four Questions (oh, my stomach!)

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing the standard professional uniform which, sadly, does not include a paper had.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is grumpy and irritated.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. For the past three days, Dave's stomach has felt like a mosh pit.

Q. What is Dave doing about his stomach problems?

A. Dave is testing the limits of human Pepto Bismol consumption. If he ingests any more Pepto Bismol, he will turn pink.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Don't let Britt and me be forcibly divorced

Tell everyone you know that Proposition 8 in California, and similar initiatives against marriage equality around the United States, have a direct impact on real people -- including Britt and me.

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Ladies and gentlemen, we are floating in the Four Questions

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing jeans, a blue sweatshirt, and 900 layers of undergarments because it's freezing cold outside.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is quite happy right now.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave survived two doctors' appointments this morning -- both were quick and painless -- and has been working for the past few hours at his local Starbucks. Not blogging, but working. This Four Questions update is just a quick break. He will get back to his project in a moment.

Q. Why is Dave working at Starbucks?

A. First, Dave wants to clarify that Dave is not working for Starbucks. He can barely make a cup of coffee at home -- and he and Britt own one of those foolproof Tassimo machines that does all the work. Dave doesn't need to go into the office today, and instead of working at home all day, he decided to spend some time at the coffeehouse. As a recovering newspaper reporter, he misses noisy environments filled with background sounds, other people's conversations, and random activity. He works very well in these conditions.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Scenes from our wedding reception (updated!)

I've fixed up the video that I posted a few days ago. Here's the updated version. If you already saw the old movie, watch this one too. You'll be pleasantly surprised.

Some thoughts on Super Bowl XLIII

  • My boss's college roommate’s wife sang “America the Beautiful.”

  • Has Joan Jett been informed yet that "I Hate Myself for Loving You" has been ripped off for the Sunday Night Football theme song?

  • John Madden's first words of the broadcast are "I just think about futility.”

  • The Universal Studios advertisement makes me wonder what kind of terrible parents would allow their child, dressed in pajamas and wearing a towel as a cape, to run unattended through a city. Have the child protection services been informed?

  • Wait ... are we supposed to stand now for the performance of “America the Beautiful?” When did that become a rule?

  • I thought one of the US Airways crew members was carrying a life preserver. It’s actually one of those Pittsburgh Steelers Terrible Towels.

  • I heart you Jennifer Hudson. Best. Anthem. Ever.

  • Britt and I hear the jets flying over our house en route from MacDill Air Force Base to Raymond James Stadium for the flyover at the end of the Star-Spangled Banner.

  • There’s going to be a G.I. Joe film? I’m not sure how I feel about this. I think we're getting closer to the Robot Chicken prediction that every children's toy will become a movie. Prepare yourselves for "Hungry Hungry Hippos: The Motion Picture."

  • The name of the Hyundai Genesis reminds me of “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.”

  • If I married Ben Roethlisberger, I would hyphenate my last name, mainly to frustrate people. People are already pissed off when they have to spell my last name correctly. Imagine their consternation if, when they think they’ve got it complete, I say, “OK, then there’s a hyphen, then R as in Roger, O as in Ocean, E as in Echo, T as in Tango ...”

  • I would purchase an Audi if it came with Jason Statham.

  • Best. Halftime show. Ever. My only quibble: did Bruce Springsteen really feel it necessary to crotch-slam the TV audience? Couldn't he just show us a nipple or something?

  • Best. Super Bowl game. Ever. The 100-yard reception return at the end of the second quarter? Awesome!

  • Hulu's Huluwood ad with Alec Baldwin had me howling with laughter.

  • I am happy the Pittsburgh Steelers won. I really didn't want to have to listen to a victorious Kurt Warner yapping to the media.

Now matter how I struggle and strive, I'll never get out of these Four Questions

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing the typical Dave uniform. Today's polo shirt is red.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave feels unmotivated.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Dave isn't quite sure. He says he woke up feeling unmotivated. He could barely work up the energy to hit the snooze button eight or nine times.

Q. Does Dave see anyone reading an interesting book this morning in Starbucks?

A. Dave says someone across from him is reading an old copy of "Alcoholics Anonymous." For the past five minutes, Dave has been trying to sneak a closer look at the cover of the book to see if "Alcoholics Anonymous" has an author's name on it -- or, if it was in fact, written anonymously. Either way, kudos to the friend of Bill W.!

Monday, February 02, 2009

And now it's time for the post-Super Bowl edition of the Four Questions

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing a black polo shirt, tan pants. He wore his green HRC jacket to work because it's a little wet and drizzley outside.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is somewhat tired after watching last night's Super Bowl and the Office.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood?

A. Besides being tired, Dave is facing a mountain of work today -- and quite a few meetings. He thinks he'll be very busy.

Q. What did Dave think about Bruce Springsteen's halftime show?

A. Dave did not appreciate the gratuitous nipple slip. For shame!