Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but (mostly) the truth

I realize that posting 25 lies about myself, while incredibly funny, is also somewhat disingenuous. As something of an apology, I hereby offer 25 mostly true items of information about myself:

  1. I despise all bumper stickers and window decals which depict cartoon characters peeing on car logos.

  2. By nature, I feel guilty about all things at all times. However, this inherent guilty nature makes it nearly impossible for others to motivate or manipulate me by guilt (ie. send me on a guilt trip) unless those others are, in fact, my parents.

  3. I was born in New York. Yes, the one you’re thinking of. In fact, I don’t know if there is another New York.

  4. I know way too much about “The Simpsons,” especially the episodes that ran from seasons 3 through 8.

  5. My thoughts about religion are reflected in this koan from the Talmud: All is foreseen, and free will is given.

  6. For too many years, I referred to my sense of humor as “self-depreciating,” not “self-deprecating.” I didn’t know there was such a term as “self-deprecating.” I believe this would be considered irony, and not in the Alanis Morrisette sense.

  7. Speaking of which, I despise that Alanis Morrisette song about irony. A black fly in your chardonnay is not ironic.

  8. I actually do believe the children are the future. And, yes, I do weep for the future.

  9. I came out to my parents after we watched the premiere of “In & Out” on HBO. They thought I was joking at first.

  10. If I win the lottery, I will own houses in London and San Francisco. Britt can come if he wants. At the first sign of clutter, though, he’s out on his ass!

  11. Britt and I were married at the top of the grand staircase in San Francisco City Hall. We stood near the bust of Harvey Milk. My parents and Britt’s brother, sister-in-law joined us.

  12. Britt and I danced to Etta James’ “At Last” as the first dance at our reception. Michelle and Barack Obama danced to the same song at their inauguration ball -- except it was sung by Beyonce Knowles. Britt and I didn’t know that Beyonce was taking appointments for weddings, bar mitzvahs, inaugurations, and such, or else we would have tried to book her too.

  13. I enjoy eating in McDonald’s restaurants in foreign countries. He makes a point of ordering items that aren’t on the menu in the United States. That’s how he ended up sampling the delicious McTurko sandwich in Istanbul.

  14. I studied French for two years in grade school in London, and then m family thoughtlessly moved to Madrid. For several weeks, I answered questions “oui” and “non” instead of “sí” and “no.”

  15. I do not enjoy piping hot drinks. I am that guy you see in Starbucks asking for an ice cube for his coffee or tea.

  16. I went to three high schools in three time zones on two continents.

  17. I have the world’s cutest nephew. I state this not because it is my opinion, but because it is a fact.

  18. I once had dinner with Jimmy Carter and talked to him about writing and poetry.

  19. I once drove a van in President Bill Clinton’s motorcade.

  20. I have interviewed Desmond Tutu and Donald Trump, but not at the same time.

  21. I do not like broccoli or its albino twin, cauliflower.

  22. I despise tomatoes yet love anything containing tomatoes, such as ketchup or salsa.

  23. I wish to write the great American novel someday. I will settle for writing a book titled “The Great American Novel.”

  24. I began growing a beard my first day of college, and trimmed it into a goatee in 1996. This means I have sported facial hair, with some very brief exceptions, for 19 years.

  25. I am truly bad at ending stories, articles, and lists.

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