While I enjoy watching football games, both at stadiums and on TV, I believe there’s room for improvement. I offer the following suggestions.
- Eliminate the infield fly rule.
- At the games, fans rooting for the team I support should be equipped with stun guns. Opposing fans should be handcuffed.
- The New York Giants, New York Jets, and Washington Redskins should be required to adopt the geographically and culturally more descriptive names suggested several years ago by writer Gregg Easterbrook. The Giants and Jets will become New Jersey/A and New Jersey/B, respectively. The Redskins will be the Potomac River Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons.
- Players that boastfully ascribe every victory to Jesus must also be required to loudly blame Jesus for their losses. (This rule also goes for musicians at awards shows.)
- To help the country heal from the ongoing pain of the Great Wardrobe Malfunction Disaster of 2004, Janet Jackson should be asked to perform the Super Bowl halftime show in 2010. However, as Jackson is no longer musically or culturally relevant, the only feasible solution is for the Super Bowl entertainment organizers to travel back in time to 1989 and bring Jackson to the present, have her perform, and then erase her memory of these events and return her to her own time as not to disrupt the flow of human events. As an added bonus, this would require the invention of time travel, which would necessitate a large investment in US science and industry.
- Games should offer fans much more male nudity.
- John Madden should be hooked up to electrodes and shocked whenever he says something inane. As an alternative, NBC should offer a Madden-to-nongibberish translation service for people watching TV.
- So that football is no longer confused with the game known here as soccer but to the rest of the world as football, the US sport will henceforth be called “American football” and the other sport will be called “ultra foosball” (or, as an alternative, “foosball XL”).