Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Here are 25 things that you always wanted to know about Dave but were terrified to ask

It seems like everyone on Facebook is asking me to participate in the latest fad, which involves listing 25 random things about themselves.

(Sigh.) Here goes.

25 things about Dave that are mostly (if not entirely) lies

  1. I tried to sell Obama’s former Senate seat to the highest bidder.

  2. I own no clothing. I weave and fashion exactly one pair of pants, underwear, socks, and a shirt and undershirt every evening. When I return home from work, I undo the string, clean and redye it, and start again.

  3. If Lady Charlotte and I do not return the other half of the Fitzrovia amulet to Belgravia Manor by midnight, Baron von Ampelman will take possession of Professor Calculus’s weather-control device. To the dirigible!

  4. I have invented several common items including the iPod, the paper clip, the greeting card, and the dog.

  5. I am passionate about vegetarianism. I only eat meat when I wish to prove to others that meat consumption is (a) cruel or (b) tasty.

  6. I was born in New York. But not the one you’re thinking of. The other one.

  7. The film “An American Tail” is based on my family’s history. Not because my great-grandparents were immigrants, but because they were mice.

  8. I was 7 pounds, 20 ounces, at birth. That means that every bit of weight gained since then is, essentially, baby fat and, as such, only adds to my overall cuteness.

  9. I created an alternative to tofurkey which I call turkey.

  10. I hold a degree in Lego mechanical engineering from the University of Duplo.

  11. I am the Lindbergh baby.

  12. I believe the children are the future. Sidenote: I believe the future is going to suck.

  13. I attempted to build the world’s first cold fusion reactor in the late 1980s. Instead, I accidentally developed the Lady Schick razor.

  14. I wrote the lyrics to every good Spice Girls song ever made. (Gotcha! There are no good Spice Girls songs.)

  15. I watch the Super Bowl every year for the evenly matched athletic competition, and not for the advertisements.

  16. I have never misspelld a word.

  17. I own more than 100 sets of playing cards, yet cannot play any game except for 52 pickup.

  18. My middle initial, A, stands for Azerbaijan, the country in which I was conceived. I often tell people my middle name is Andrew just so I don’t have to spell out Azerbaijan.

  19. I own the licensing and usage rights to the words “the,” “of,” “a,” and “an.” However, I have made these words freely available to the peoples of the United States, Great Britain, and New Zealand because I am kind and generous. The government of Australia is required to pay me US $1 million each year so that its citizens can use these words. What did Australia do to get on my bad side? Oh, it knows!

  20. I invented progressive lenses as a substitute for bifocals and trifocals. I refuse to let people who stand in the way of progressive causes, such as gay and lesbian marriage equality, wear these lenses. They must wear conservative lenses, which are like bifocals but have an even more polarizing view and distort everything.

  21. The original Daily Dave was shut down because I sold the rights to Disney. They planned to produce a Daily Dave movie, in which Brad Pitt experienced the events of my life. I lost creative control of the project and the project changed hands and was modified so many times. When it was finally released, it was unrecognizable. You may know it as the Hannah Montana TV show.

  22. I have seen Star Wars at least 30 times. Not the movie, mind you. The actual wars.

  23. In an alternate universe, I am the most celebrated author on the planet. In another alternate universe, there is no life on earth because the atmosphere contains nothing but sulphur and methane.

  24. I do not have an irrational fear of hot liquids.

  25. I always think of something clever for the ends of lists.

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