Thursday, February 07, 2008

I Hate Those Trucking Advertisements

Television ads for pickup trucks have become ridiculous. In the past few weeks, I have seen trucks stopping airplanes, strapped to centrifuges, towing log cabins, being put through strength and brake tests on Rube Goldberg-ish devices at remote desert locations -- situations that, I'm fairly certain, have nothing to do with how these trucks are used on a daily basis by actual customers.

Normally, I'd rant about these overwrought and hyperbolic truck ads. But today I'm in a good mood (can't you tell from my earlier two posts?) and I figure I should help out Madison Avenue by suggesting some more outlandish premises for pickup teevee commercials.

Here goes:

Toyota Tacoma: A live cat, a Toyota Tacoma and a tiny bit of radioactive substance are locked inside a soundproof, windowless steel box. Quantum mechanics says we must assume the cat is simultaneously alive and dead. However, the pickup truck can be assumed to be completely undamaged. This is because the Toyota Tacoma's reinforced frame and coil-spring double wishbone suspension is so strong that it supercedes German physicist's Erwin Schrödinger physicist's cat paradox theorem.

Ford F-150: Seven Ford F-150s are dispatched around the globe. Each one is tethered to a different land mass: North America, South America, Australia, India, Eurasia, Africa and Antarctica. With the most towing capacity in its class, the Ford F-150 makes it a breeze to tow each continent (or subcontinent in India's case) back to its original location, reconstructing the original supercontinent of Pangæa.

Nissan Titan: Because of the downturn in the economy, the paterfamilias of a typical American family loses his job. His wife loses her job soon thereafter. The bank forecloses on their house, and they're forced to move in with relatives. Fortunately, the Nissan Titan's roomy cargo bed and exclusive Utili-Track Cargo system means there's lots of space for boxes on moving day, and no chance of items falling out on the long, tear-filled trip.

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