To: The woman in the express lane at Target
Date: Jan. 1
Subject: Flouting the express lane conventions
I truly had hoped to begin the New Year without any bitterness toward other people. I had resolved that 2008 would be a year without complaints: a year of hope and goodwill. But you had to go and ruin everything, didn't you? You figured the express lane rules didn't apply to you! You dumped your cartful of tacky discounted Christmas tchotchkes in front of the cashier -- waaaaaay more than 10 items -- and yammered to your daughter while everything was rung up and bagged. And then, when it came time to pay, you wrote a check! I didn't actually see the check, but I'll bet $100 that (a) it was decorated with pictures of either puppies, kittens or unicorns, and (b) you wrote the wrong year. I know these things not because I'm clairvoyant, but because anyone who's still writing checks in stores in the year 2008 is (a) obsessed with obsessed with baby or mythological creatures; and, (b) living in the past.
And, let's not forget the most important letter of all: anyone writing a check in the express lane in 2008 is (c) totally pissing me off.