Thursday, October 25, 2007

Aww, Even The Chinese Are Against Me

It is Open Enrollment Season here at work, which means that we workers are busy weighing our options and trying to figure which company-provided health care plan will best fit our needs and wallets in 2008.

I went to the presentation and Q&A session on health care plans yesterday afternoon. On the shelf near the auditorium door stood the usual array of sodas, waters and salty, fried chips with names ending in -itos.

There was something else, though. There was a container filled with fortune cookies. Not just any kind of fortune cookies -- these were packaged especially for our health care company, Cigna.

Cigna fortune cookies

What the hell would a Cigna fortune cookie say? I made a joke about cracking it open to find a message about prescription drug costs rising. The people around me laughed.

The fortune was much more disappointing and bizarre that I could have imagined. (And the cookie itself was disappointing -- it was stale and had lost its crunch and tasted too lemony.)

The message said: "Many problems can be addressed if detected. Get an annual physical exam. Schedule it the month of your birthday."

What a bummer! Could you imagine getting this fortune after a nice dinner of lo mein and mu shu chicken? I'd call back the waiter and demand another fortune cookie!

As Daily Dave 2.0 regular readers know, I believe that all things that happen can be linked to events in "The Simpsons." My incident with the fortune cookie yesterday reminded me of the episode in which Homer is attracted to a new coworker, Mindy. They are sent to a convention out of town, and have just eaten dinner at a ritzy Chinese restaurant, and Homer is still trying desperately to fight temptation.

Then Homer receives his fortune cookie and cracks it open. He reads it out loud.

Homer: 'You will find happiness with a new love.' Aw, even the Chinese are against me! (He sighs.) What's the point? I can't fight fate.

Immediately, we see the inside of the Chinese restaurant's kitchen, where two workers are standing over two barrels. One barrel is empty; the other is sealed.

Worker 1: Hey, we're out of these "New Love" cookies.

Worker 2: Well, open up the "Stick with your wife" barrel.

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