To: Stephen King From: Dave Date: Oct. 31, 2006 Subject: The Stanley Hotel
Britt and I recently visited the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, Colo. It's my understanding that the Stanley was your inspiration for the Overlook Hotel in "The Shining." After seeing the hotel, I was inspired to pick up "The Shining" on Saturday night. I read about two-thirds of it on the trip back to Tampa, and the remaining third last night in bed.
I am now scared out of my wits. Thank you so much. I will have to sleep with the lights on for the rest of my life.
To: The Mute Button From: Dave Date: Oct. 30, 2006 Subject: Thank You
You saved my sanity last night when John Madden launched into a lengthy discussion about the dryness of pork chops and the moistness of pulled pork -- a topic which, if I'm not mistaken, has nothing to do with football. Thank you. Thank you so much.
To: The employees of the Burger King in the Delta terminal at John F. Kennedy International Airport From: Dave Date: Oct. 22, 2006 Subject: Sluggish service
Two days ago, at lunch time, I ordered a chicken sandwich, a fish sandwich and some onion rings for my partner and me.
Your restaurant was so slow that in the time it took me to complete my order and receive my food, the entire Burger Royal Family could have been deposed in a coup d'etat and been replaced by a republican political system with clearly delineated branches of government and constitutional protections for its citizens.
This worries me because (a) I fear violent government change and (b) it is well known that monarchies make the best onion rings.
To: Fergie From: Dave Date: Oct. 12, 2006 Re: London Bridge
I wish to point out to your attention that your song seems to refer to Tower Bridge, not London Bridge. Accordingly, the lyrics to your song should be: "How come everytime you come around, / My Tower, Tower bridge, wanna go down like, / Tower, Tower Tower, wanna go down like, / Tower, Tower, Tower, we goin' down like."
The current London Bridge is a drab, unimaginative concrete cantilevered bridge built about 35 years ago. It does no go up or down. The most remarkable thing that ever happened there was when the the bridge was hit by the HMS Jupiter in 1984. Perhaps this collision could be the inspiration for a revised, more accurate song: "How come everytime you come around, / The HMS Jupiter, HMS Jupiter wanna collide like ..."
I haven't done much posting recently, but that may change soon. I can feel the creative juices rumbling, bubbling, boiling inside me.
Oh wait, that's my stomach.
Where is the nearest bathroom?! Hurry!
Okay, so maybe those weren't creative juices. Nonetheless, for the first time in weeks, I feel compelled to write, to share, to extract thin slivers of my brain and place them on microscope slides for the rest of the world to examine. (Figuratively, of course. I would prefer to keep my literal brain intact.)
Today, I wrote the following haiku at work:
Like a lousy whore, Coke machine takes my money But doesn't put out.
Okay, so I'm not William Blake. But at least I know how to spell tiger properly. What's the matter, Blake: you too busy to run spell check?