Wednesday, December 31, 2003

My mom has informed America's Favorite Housecat Watson Simanoff that the Daily Dave 2.0 is up and running again. She writes:



I guess I will have to let Watson back on line to respond to the Daily Dave again. I had to restrain him from seeking professional help when the site went down. In his own mind he was quite the celebrity. Now I guess he'll be impossible to live with once again. You know what I mean -- screaming at me until I give him his turkey in the morning, expecting food in his dish at all times, etc.



Let the catty, snarky comments begin! Let's hope Watson's notoriety doesn't go to his head again.
A few resolutions for New Year's:

  • I will make healthier choices.

  • I will read more.

  • I will devote a little time each day to creative writing.

  • I will subvert the world's political and economic systems, seizing power in a bloody but quick coup and declaring myself supreme ruler of the world.

  • I will spend my money wisely, travel more, and watch less TV.
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "The First Amendment reads more like a dream than a law, and no other nation, so far as I know, has been crazy enough to include such a dream among its fundamental legal documents. I defend it because it has been so successful for two centuries in preserving our freedom and increasing our vitality, knowing that all arguments in support of it are certain to sound absurd." -- Kurt Vonnegut

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Here is the playlist for The Mighty Missiskippy Mix, the long awaited follow-up to my Skiptember/Skiptober Mix. It's basically a mishmash of music that I listened to on my iPod while Britt and I were in New Orleans earlier this month -- hence the Mississippi reference -- and a lot of other songs that I've been playing a lot this month.



  • I've Been Everywhere - Johnny Cash

  • Get Me Outta Here - JET

  • It's My Life - No Doubt

  • Trouble - Pink

  • 2+2=5 (The Lukewarm) - Radiohead

  • Perfect World - Indigo Girls

  • (Every Time I Turn Around) Back in Love Again (With Jeffrey Osborne) - L.T.D.

  • Shoop - Salt-N-Pepa

  • Hey Ya! - OutKast

  • Turn Up The Zydeco (What You Gonna Do) - Rockin' Dopsie, Jr. and the Zydeco Twisters

  • That Was Your Mother - Paul Simon

  • Moon over Bourbon Street - Sting

  • New Orleans Instrumental No. 1 - R.E.M.

  • Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough - Michael Jackson

  • April 29, 1992 (Miami) - Sublime

  • You Can't Get What You Want (Till You Know What You Want) - Joe Jackson

  • Love Is In The Air - John Paul Young

  • Holiday - Madonna

  • At Last - Cyndi Lauper

  • Into The West - Annie Lennox
In honor of everybody's favorite hotel heiress, I've decided that everybody should have a name that combines (a) the name of a major European city, preferably a capital, with (b) the name of a major hotel chain.



Here are some examples:



Me: Berlin La Quinta

Complementary spouse Britt Shirley: Helsinki Econolodge

Miss Cherizon: Copenhagen Doubletree

Mike S.Y.L. Fechter: Lisbon Residence Inn



What's your hotel heiress name? Click the comment link.

Monday, December 29, 2003

The Daily Dave 2.0 legal team would like you to know that everything published on this Web site is a work of fiction. All of the people, places and things mentioned on this site -- including you -- are figments of Dave's imagination.

Recycled Content: Margaret Cho

Margaret Cho is coming to Tampa next month! Britt and I were fortunate enough to see Cho in Orlando in March, and we're still laughing our heads off. Here's what I wrote about Cho's show on the Daily Dave 1.0:

Margaret Cho once shit her pants.

The story goes a little like this: Cho, desparate to lose weight, had resorted to a diet in which she ate nothing but persimmons. The diet appeared to be going well until one day, as she was driving around town and listening to Madonna's "Holiday," she felt a severe and urgent need to use the bathroom. She knew that there was no way she'd get to a toilet in time -- the mission may not have started yet, but it was too late to scrub it.

There's no need to continue the story. You know what happened.

Cho, never one to hold back when it comes to personal information, shared this story at her concert in Orlando Saturday night. She wasn't ashamed, nor was she apologetic. Her goal wasn't to disgust the audience for a laugh, but to show how low she had sunk in her desire to lose weight -- so low, in fact, "That I ended up sitting in a pile of my own shit."

In a world full of gross-out comedians, Cho stands apart. She can be just as base and raunchy as Eddie Murphy or Richard Pryor, but her humor always comes with a call for empowerment, liberation and unity. It's not for nothing that her new tour is called "Cho Revolution."

Britt, Vicki and I drove to Orlando for the concert, and afterward we went backstage to meet Cho. A documentary filmmaker asked me why I enjoyed Cho's shows, and I said it's because they make people think as much as laugh.

If "Cho Revolution" has a theme, it's this: If you're silent, you're invisible.

Cho said she bristles at people who want so shush her. When someone says "don't go there," she replies, "I live there." Minorities must tell their stories -- all their stories -- or risk being marginalized by society, she said.

"I want to give everybody too much information, because that equals power," she said.

Let the revolution begin! I just hope Cho changes her pants before the fighting gets underway.


By the way, you can hear Cho talking about her persimmon diet experience on "Revolution," her new CD.

Download iTunes

Margaret Cho
Margaret Cho
Revolution Revolution
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "It's difficult to be religious when certain individuals are never incinerated by bolts of lightning." -- Calvin, of Calvin and Hobbes
Here's a little song I wrote for Mike "Stop Your Lies" Fechter few weeks ago, before the Daily Dave 2.0 was up and running. I'm happy to present it now:



To the tune of Sheena Easton's "Morning Train":



I wake up every mornin', I stumble out of bed

Stretchin' and yawnin', another day ahead

It seems to last forever, and time goes slowly by

'Til I get my paper and read Mike Fechter's lies



'Cause when I read his stories, it gives me such a fright

To see all the information that doesn't seem quite right

All of the numbers are blown out of proportion

I'm sure that this isn't just an innocent distortion



Chorus:

Mike Fechter takes the morning train,

He writes at least nine lies and then

He writes some more lies again,

More lies are waiting for him!



(The Daily Dave 2.0 legal team insists that I write the following note: For those of you who don't know Mike Fechter, please understand that he is one of the most honest, trustworthy and credible reporters you could possibly meet, and an all-round excellent guy. Mike's nickname, "Stop Your Lies," is imbued with respect, love and a Jabba-the-Hutt-size serving of sarcasm.)



(Now, the other Daily Dave 2.0 legal team reminds me that I shouldn't state publicly an opinion about anything or anyone. So I take back everything I said about Mike Fechter. And Sheena Easton. And morning trains, as well as trains that may run during other times of day.)
REQUIRED READING: Here are some interesting articles I've found recently on the Web:



-- "If He's So Smart ... Steve Jobs, Apple and the Limits of Innovation" in Fast Company: An interesting piece that asks why Apple's legacy of innovative, ground-breaking products hasn't translated into industry-leading sales. It's an honest, but not always complimentary, view of one of the more interesting companies doing business today.



-- Cousin Eric Milgrim recommends you check out the political quizzes at OnTheIssues.com. I took the "Presidency 2004 Quiz of Political Issues" but I won't tell you how I scored, because, as you know by now, divulging any of my personal opinions or biases on any subject is verboten on the brand new Daily Dave. (Uh oh ... now you know that I like to slip random funny-sounding German words into my everyday writing. I have to kill you now.)



-- "Mass. about to alter gay-marriage debate," on USAToday.com. Once again, no comment.



-- Just for fun, check out these reports about airline passenger misconduct on recent domestic flights. It's a pretty long document (in pdf format, by the way), but there's some pretty weird and humorous stuff buried in there.

Sunday, December 28, 2003

AN ALBUM BRITT AND I WOULD LIKE TO SEE: "Harvey Fierstein Sings The Greatest Hits of Midnight Oil."

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Please make sure your Daily Dave bookmark is set to www.dailydave.com or www.simanoff.com/dd. I'm canceling my Road Runner account soon, so I need to move my site to Britt's Verizon account.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Movies and Chinese food -- it was a picture-perfect Christmas for this Jewish boy! Norman Rockwell would be inspired.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Britt is celebrating Christmas in Denver with his family. I'm planning to spend Christmas day catching up on some long-neglected projects around the house, and perhaps sneaking over to the movie theater to see "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King" (link) again. It will be a holly jolly Christmas!



I hope Santa knows that Britt isn't in town. I'd hate to have him make an unnecessary stop at our house. In fact, this is the first time I've ever lived in a house that might be on Santa's list -- I don't know what I'd do if I found a big guy in a red suit breaking into the house in the middle of the night. I'd probably grab my baseball bat for protection, then dial 911.
Just in time for Christmas Eve, here's an interesting tidbit of Christmas-related information: PNC Advisors says it would cost $65,264 to buy or lease everything mentioned in the "12 Days of Christmas" song (link). That figure includes all of the repeated items, ie. 12 partridges in pear trees, 11 pairs of turtle doves, and so on.



The same items would have cost $54,951 a year ago. PNC Advisors attributes the increase to the rising cost for skilled labor -- the maids a-milking, lords a-leaping, and the like.



I wonder how much eight days' worth of oil would cost today, compared to a year ago. Perhaps PNC Advisors should introduce a Hanukkah price index.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

REQUIRED READING: Check out "Gay Images Removed From National Mall Video," a story posted today on Advocate.com.



If this were the old Daily Dave, I'd launch into an angry rant right about now. However, here at the Daily Dave 2.0 (motto: "I have no opinion about what the motto should be") I don't take a stand on any issue, lest I show some kind of bias. So just read the story for yourself and try to imagine what I'd say about this issue. It shouldn't be too difficult.

Monday, December 22, 2003

As a Jew, it seems that the tastiest sounding items on every menu are also the very items that I'm not allowed to eat. This was readily apparent in New Orleans (photos: link), where I couldn't partake in local specialties such as gumbo, muffaletta sandwiches, and red beans and rice with andouille sausage.



One day, I'm going to open a restaurant with pork-free versions of all these tasty foods. Using Britt as a guinea pig, I've already invented my signature sandwich: the Jewfaletta, a muffaletta with turkey instead of ham.



Now I want to buy a sandwich press so I can begin work on my version of that longtime Tampa fave, the Cuban sandwich, replacing the ham and pork with kosher meats like turkey and roast beef. I'm planning on calling my creation the Jewban.
NEW PHOTOS: Britt and I spent a chilly weekend in New Orleans earlier this month. Check out the photos here.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

Britt and I saw the Atlanta Falcons beat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this afternoon at Raymond James Stadium. We're okay with the loss. We didn't want to go to any playoff games anyway. Or, to quote Britt, "we don't need no stinkin' playoffs."
HOLIDAY GREETINGS:

CNN reports that lethargy and irritability may be influenza symptoms. Perhaps, I think, I've had the flu since 1995.

Friday, December 19, 2003

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Going Out On A Limb

Considering what happened with the original Daily Dave, you might think I'm afraid to write anything controversial for the Daily Dave 2.0. Well, you're wrong. Here are some scandalous, shocking statements that I'll stand behind, no matter what the cost:



-- Baby elephants are cute.

-- Italian food is tasty.

-- I like TiVo.

Conflict of Interest of the Rings

Complementary spouse Britt Shirley and I saw "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King" tonight. I'd like to tell you it was an incredible and stunning film, but I hesitate to write anything at all because it might pose a conflict of interest for me as an economic development and real estate reporter. What if I have to write a story about housing sales in Hobbiton, or a new shopping center in Rohan? What if I'm assigned to cover the Greater Mordor Chamber of Commerce annual luncheon? What if one of the Tampa companies I cover hires an orc, troll or goblin as its new CEO?



The motto of the new Daily Dave, in case you haven't guessed it yet, is this: "We have no opinions about anything because we fear retaliation from our corporate masters."

Long Live Logorrhea!

After several months of my self-imposed Daily Dave hiatus, I have realized that I'd rather use my words carefully than not use them at all.



Welcome to The Daily Dave 2.0. I'm baaaaaack.



(I originally wrote a whole long rambling message explaining why I shelved the original Daily Dave and why I'm starting it anew, but I've decided that a lengthy post isn't necessary. After all, brevity is the soul of wit. Or, in my case, of half-wits.)